After getting married two months ago, I'd felt that some symbolic change was in order — so I came back from the honeymoon with a beard. It was the only souvenir I could afford.

As far as changes go, it really might have been easier getting used to wearing a beard than wearing a wedding ring. At least the beard didn't make my finger swell.

My new beard does generate a lot of discussion; sadly, it's rarely intelligent discussion. When they see me for the first time, people typically ask: "Hey, you grew a beard?"

"No," I reply, "Just trying out the new Ch-ch-ch-chia Face."

But most people really seem to like my beard, remarking, "Wow, you look like a hobo!"

Correction — I spend a lot of time combing and trimming my beard, so I look like a well-groomed hobo.

And yet these same, clean-shaven friends often take on a look of wistful envy, offering excuses for their own smooth faces. Excuses such as, "Yeah, well I haven't grown a beard because I can't get past that itchy stage," or, "I'm too pretty to hide my face," or, "Why would I want a beard? I'm a girl."

But it's not just "that itchy stage" stopping most guys from growing a beard. There's a whole psychological element standing in the way of growing facial hair — the process of growing a beard for the first time leaves a man more vulnerable than he's been since puberty. And just like those early stages of puberty, we're left wondering what all that hair will look like once it's fully grown-in — and hoping it will make us cool in gym class.

So I thought I'd offer a bit of my own advice for any guy thinking of growing a beard.

STEP 1: Go On Vacation

A vacation is the perfect occasion for growing a beard. Frankly, if you have to shave every day, it's not much of a vacation — so you may as well stop shaving completely. And since nobody looks good in vacation photos, after a long flight and lost luggage, a fuzzy face can take the blame.

STEP 2: Have No Shame

Give into the fact that you will look like an idiot for several weeks. As the stubble really starts to take over, brace yourself for Step 3.

STEP 3: Avoid Buying a Mac

As your face gets scruffier, you may become overwhelmed with the urge to drink Starbucks or buy a McIntosh computer. This is a natural side effect of a bohemian lifestyle, and should be avoided at all costs.

STEP 4: Deal With Your Grief

You'll catch a lot of grief when you try to grow a beard. Your smooth-faced coworkers may heckle you fiercely. Your dog may take to hiding from you. And your wife or girlfriend might order you to shave — sometimes both of them will.

In fact, the first week of growing a beard — much like grief — comes in very distinct stages.

The first stage of growing your beard is called Denial:

"No, my patchy beard does NOT look bad. If you ask me, a face full of hobo-scruff is quite endearing."

But Denial is short-lived, followed quickly by Anger:

"Why isn't this beard growing faster? Damn you, my Irish ancestors!"

And Bargaining:

"Okay Beard, I'm not going to wash my face until you grow a little more. That mustard smudge can just sit there until you decide to get with the program."

Depression:
"It's miserable to look like a hobo! The Mission just offered me a free meal."

And then, finally, Acceptance:
"I look like a hobo — but at least the Mission gives you free meals!"

STEP 5: Grow Forth and Prosper

Once your beard grows in, you'll have plenty to keep you busy — trimming, admiring yourself in the mirror, combing food out of your chin hair, etc.

But a time will come when you're ready to shave it all off. And when you do, I recommend that you do what I plan to do.

Trim the beard down to a mustache, and count the days until your wife shaves it off while you sleep.

Copyright © 2007 Andy Murphy
Please do not remove the copyright from this work.

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