"Diary of the Jolly Green Giant during the Film Logo Actor’s Guild (FLAG) Strike"

July 12
Well, there goes another job… How do I tell my friends I was tossed out by Home Depot? That lady shrieking yesterday about the Incredible Hulk being "on the loose" must have made some phone calls.

This wouldn't have happened if they'd just let me work in the Home & Garden section. As I always say, good things come from the garden…

July 13
Called Morty today to see if he had any non-"Food Logo" acting gigs for me, but Carol told me he was out to lunch. At 9:30 in the morning? I don't know.

Spent the rest of the day searching Monster.com. Who am I kidding? My best assets are posture and a reverberating "Ho-ho-ho!" Too bad it's not closer to Christmas.

July 15
I finally had my blind date tonight with Ronnie McD's sister, Roberta. Right away, she said she was expecting someone taller. I tried explaining how they do that whole trick with camera lenses, but I just came off like a defensive jerk and the night went downhill from there. I don't know what I was thinking, going out with a clown — I hate women who wear too much makeup.

My resume got a few views on Monster today! Momentum! Also, Uncle Ben called and asked me to join the next FLAG sit-in. But I really prefer standing, and he knows that.

July 17
Sunday morning, and I'm hung-over. Threw back a few beers with Tony the Tiger last night. We reminisced about the good old days and watched commercials until 2am. Good times, but honestly I can only take so much of Tony's superlatives. He needs a new catch phrase like I need new friends. I'm so pathetic.

July 19
Uncle Ben and Aunt Jemima are organizing another FLAG protest, and they want me to speak. Why can't we just picket like everyone else? Those two old coots just need to feel important, like back in the Logo Civil Rights movement. I tried to beg off, but Ben reminded me that, as a "Logo of Color", I owe it to him for even having a job to strike about.

July 21
Funny story! I went to get my leaf-toga from the dry cleaner for tomorrow's rally, but when I got home it was two sizes too small. I thought I was gaining weight, but nope! Turns out they gave me somebody else's leaf-toga, and I got a 15% discount off my next order! So maybe things are looking up?

July 22
What a day! The FLAG rally took place in the parking lot of the National Association of Advertisers. Ben wrote my speech (something about residuals and cable ads) and I guess it went okay… right up until Juan Valdez's donkey stepped on the Taco Bell Chihuahua and caused a HUGE commotion. That dog is such a drama queen.

All the big name logo characters were there to give speeches and hand out flyers. The Vlasic Stork, the Morton Salt Girl, the Keebler Elves… Even Borden's Elsie the Cow showed up, wearing a sandwich board reading "Don't Milk Us Dry". Somehow Ben convinced the California Raisins to come out of retirement for the day. Their drummer got a wrinkle treatment from the Queer Eye guys, who NEVER miss a chance to mug for the paparazzi. Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins put in appearances to show support, but everyone just tried to ignore them.

It felt good to be a part of something. I feel so ALIVE, and so HAPPY! Maybe I'll go buy a kitten at the mall?

July 24
I hate life. Happy-freakin-birthday to me! I got two cards, one from my mom and one from the Michelin Man, asking for money.

I may have drunk-dialed Roberta earlier.

July 25
Just saw the commercial. Son of a bitch! Pillsbury hired a Green Giant scab! The little prick they got to replace me can't even say "Ho-ho-ho" right, it comes out more like "Ha-ha-ho". Ha-ha-ho??? That's what you get when you hire for looks! My abs would look like that too if I were ten years younger and had a personal trainer. I could kill that smug little pretty boy! I'm so angry I threw out all my complimentary frozen peas, and now I don't have a damned thing left to eat. Why am I so fat anyway?

And Roberta called me back, saying she saw my speech at the FLAG rally on the news and doesn't want to date an activist. And then Morty finally came back from lunch with a gig — a used car dealership needs a Martian for a commercial. A Martian?! I have NOT come this far in my career just to play those two-bit roles again! I mean, you don't see Charlie the Tuna doing stand-ins for Flipper, do you? I told Morty to shove it, and I think I suggested he could go play "Hide the Happy Meal" with Ronald's sister — but at this point I'm not even sure who's talking, me or the lithium.

July 28th
Spent all day thinking about the prick who took my job, and that dry cleaning mishap… What are the odds of anyone else having a leaf-toga?

Aug 1
The sun is shining, birds are singing, and FLAG and the NAA have announced an agreement on new contract terms! The strike is over! Halle-frickin-lujah!!

And there's more good news — I got a response to my online personal today! That hot Land-O-Lakes Indian recognized my picture. I feel great!!

Aug 3
The police came by today, asking me a few routine homicide questions. Apparently someone got to that strike-breaking imposter's leaf-toga last week, and the costume came back from the cleaners soaked in pesticide. I don't remember much of what happened last week, but MY toga is just fine. So I signed a few autographs and promised not to leave town. Why would I ever want to leave? There are commercials to be made, and I'm a giant in this town. Ho-ho-ho baby!!!

Copyright © 2005 Andy Murphy
Please do not remove the copyright from this work.

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