Listen up, Men! It's time for another edition of our ongoing series, "Marketing Buzzwords and the Men Who Love Them".

Guys, throw away that $50 bottle of Kiehl's Facial Moisturizer and put your Igia Ionizing Twin Turbo Jet Hair Dryer up on eBay. Sure, it'll be painful to part with your Strawberry-Papaya Facial Scrub, but the days of the primping, preening "metrosexual" are numbered.

If you want to be on the cutting edge of marketing-created phenomena, then you'll need a parachute and a life insurance policy — because there's a new, possibly deadly, buzzword invading from the UK. It's the "Adrenosexual" — adrenaline hounds who risk life and limb by rock climbing, sky diving, and airplane wing-walking.

According to Spice UK (a British action/adventure group I discovered when I confused them for a soft-core pornography channel), 57% of Brits are adrenosexuals, meaning they have a "healthy relationship with fear and outdoor action".

Huh? Here in the U.S., when you add "outdoor action" to a "healthy relationship", you and your partner get arrested for being in the park without pants. But being tossed in the slammer doesn't mean much to adrenosexuals, who frequently land in jail after BASE jumping from tall buildings and bridges.

Fifty-seven percent — that's a lot of the British adrenosexuals! And when you consider what happens after falling off a cliff, perhaps that explains why so many Brits have bad teeth? The Scots make up the single largest subset, at 60%. I'd expect nothing less from men known for going commando in kilts.

The Beatles couldn't stay in the UK, and neither will this latest British Invasion. As Neil Diamond warned long ago, these thrill-seeking, adrenaline junkies have a dream — and they're coming to America. In fact, they would have been here months go, but adrenosexuals can't ride airplanes without parachuting out. It's been a pretty slow invasion. Lemmings could get here faster.

The buzzword — adrenosexual — is primed to take over the United States. Our televisions are filled with extreme "X-Games", Survivor-style reality shows, and commercials for Slim-Jims. So it's goodbye metrosexual, hello adrenosexual, and it's happening right now. In fact, I've already become one — though I'm not exactly sure when it happened. But I took the adrenosexual quiz on the Internet, so it MUST be true.

Coming out about my adrenosexuality isn't easy. My fellow adrenosexuals are into bungee jumping and skydiving, but I'm really not attracted to extreme, outdoor sports. Oh, I "experimented" a little in college, flirting briefly with skydiving. But I botched the jump, got tangled in my chute, and learned that only idiots jump from perfectly good airplanes.

The only other extreme sport I've indulged in has been "Extreme Ironing" — a combination of mountain climbing and pressing dress shirts — but the whole thing is too much of a bother. The shirt just gets wrinkled again by the time you get off the mountain.

The online adrenosexual quiz says I'm over 90% likely to prefer walking along an airplane wing to spending a quiet night at home. Really? Who knew? But it must be true, because it's not like Spice UK would purposefully write a quiz that would skew the results. What would they stand to gain by that?

Where does it stop? What marketing buzzwords are coming next? A few predictions:

Metro-Reno-Sexuals:
Confused and directionless without a proper buzzword, former metrosexuals across the country will embrace the manly lifestyle of Janet Reno. Metrorenosexuals will stick around just long enough to stage the world's largest, most ill-advised dance party.

ANDROIDosexuals:
Androidosexuals will come to us from Japan where Prof Hiroshi Ishiguro, of Osaka University, unveiled his latest android in July of this year — the most "life-like" female robot in world (no joking). When asked why he spent years and millions of dollars developing a female android, Ishiguro explained, in a quote I just made up, "Ever seen Weird Science? Making a woman is the only way a nerd like me can get some action."

Buzzword-o-sexuals:
Buzzwordosexuals will spend all their time Blogging about their favorite Podcasts, discussing Best Practices for B2B transactions in the New Economy, and generally doing their part to improve Synergies and make sure the terrorists don't win.

Copyright © 2005 Andy Murphy
Please do not remove the copyright from this work.

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