Going to the store has convinced me never to bet on horse racing, not even if I'm buying jockey shorts. I don't like shopping, but I try to make things interesting by racing against customers in nearby checkout aisles to see who can get through the line first. As low-intensity grocery store sports go, it beats reading Christina Aguilera's tabloid headlines. But I've discovered that, no matter which lane I pick, I always get behind the woman with the housedress who can't find her food stamps, or the homeless man paying for vodka with hope and quarters. That's why I'm staying away from the race track this summer — no matter what I pick, I ALWAYS bet on the wrong horse.

Apparently a few aficionados of Retail Racing have filed a complaint, because the Congressional Sub-Sub Committee on Checkout Lane Waits and Means — or maybe just some consulting firm, I can't keep track of these things — has helped stores install thousands of self-service checkout aisles that nobody uses because every single one of the machines is worthless. Seriously, the Communists must have invented self-checkout because no matter how great these things sound in theory, they completely suck in real life.

I can't get them to work, and I know you can't either because you've been stuck in line in front of me, whacking the monitor while that voice repeats "Please place the item in the bag!" over and over again. In this society — the one where you put warnings on hot coffee and nobody can work a VCR — turning temperamental technology loose, especially technology that scans with a laser, is just begging for disaster. The only people who benefit are the youngest of children who, in their wide-eyed innocence, instantly grasp any technology that lets them buy four dozen eggs and toilet paper on Halloween without arousing suspicion.

Using self-checkout is just too close to working as a cashier. Frankly, we should get minimum wage for ringing up our own groceries — say, for every ten minutes spent struggling with the machine you'd "earn" 85 cents off the price. Even Wal-Mart is starting to employ its customers at self-checkout aisles, but they take things a bit more seriously than the average store. After totaling your items, you’re given a mop and orders to clean up in Women's Plus Sizes.

Of course Wal-Mart will do anything to save money and get you into the store. They'd even ply you with alcohol and set you up with a date. Or at least that's what they do in Germany, where — in a move that completely redefines the term "checkout aisle" — Wal-Mart has been conducting dating nights. On Fridays, cost-conscious lonely hearts have been going to over 90 German Wal-Marts for Singles Shopping from 6 to 9 PM. Would-be paramours push shopping carts marked with red ribbons that show the shopper appreciates the humor of combining the phrases "low prices" and "cheap date". They mingle at Flirt Points and sample free wine, candy, and singles-oriented items like pre-packaged meals and Wal-Mart brand "Rollback" condoms. Sound strange? Blame the Germans. But they might be on to a Wal-Mart reform that has nothing to do with dating and is even more important than getting rid of self-service checkout aisles: German Wal-Marts are the only in the world without a greeter at the door, because Germans think asking an old man to stand by the door and just say hello to everyone is kind of creepy.

This restores my faith in Germany.

Here in the U.S., Wal-Mart greeters haven't been getting a bum rap yet, though some ARE un-wrapping their bums. Or at least they are in Muscatine, Iowa, where 65 year old greeter, Dean Wooten, was fired for displaying a photo in which he wore nothing but a strategically placed Wal-Mart bag. Wooten, who we can assume is a riot on Bingo Night, told customers that thanks to all the cost-cutting, the plastic bag would be his new uniform. This raises some very serious questions I think we must all deal with, not the least of which is, just what IS a Muscatine, anyway?

So while these questions vex us, know that the next time you're in Wal-Mart, if you see me in line next to you I'm sure we'll have a spirited race that you'll win handily, unless we're both stuck in the self-service lane. But if we're ever in a German Wal-Mart on Singles Night, watch out for the old man lurking by the door — he has more than just a firm smile.

Copyright © 2005 Andy Murphy
Please do not remove the copyright from this work.

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