Thanks to the movie Sideways, my girlfriend and I have become wine aficionados. We've been very "into" wine for several weeks now, which is a polite way of saying we've been on a bender. In fact, we just finished a bottle of Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill, which had a distinctive bouquet called "cheap drunk".

Before seeing Sideways, wine never held much appeal for me. I'd always thought of wine as something a Frenchman drank to forget about his wife's hairy armpits. But now I see just how stupid that prejudice is — the French would never abuse wine like that, not with so many mistresses to distract them.

I had absolutely no interest in seeing Sideways. A movie about wine? Sounds like a boring, artsy film about two friends who drive through wine country, squabbling with each other and exploring their feelings. No thank you!

But on Movie Night a few weeks ago, my girlfriend, Jen, made a compelling argument for watching Sideways. "I hear it's this really raunchy sex comedy about two guys on a week-long bachelor party in California. They spend all their time getting drunk and trying to get women to sleep with them. And, hey, there’s even nudity!"

Can you believe I fell for that? Jen will stop at nothing to get her way on movie night, even if she has to trick me into seeing naked guy-butt. Fortunately, the movie wasn't too bad. I even learned several important pieces of trivia about wine during the brief periods I managed to stay awake. For instance:

• Paul Giamatti sure does cry a lot.
• No wonder waiters laugh at me — I've been saying "peanut" instead of "pinot".
• The guy who played the mechanic on "Wings" isn't dead after all.
• Seriously, Paul Giamatti just needs a hug or something.

The real star of Sideways is the wine, so Jen and I decided to visit a nearby vineyard and recreate the mystique of the film. According to the tour guide, we would learn about the entire process of making wine, from the field to the shelf.

I went for the free drinks.

The tour was very educational, or at least that's what Jen told me. Here's what I learned:

• Wine comes from grapes, but costs much more.
• Don't laugh when the tour guide refers to the wine barrel's "bung hole".

I don't remember much else, because I went straight for the sampling table. Fortunately, I took thorough tasting notes:

2003 Chardonnay:
The flyer says it tastes "oakey". Is that how they spell "okay" here? I guess it tastes "okay" to me. Could use some sugar, or maybe a few hits of fruit juice.

2001 Reserve Chardonnay:
Isn't this the same as the last glass? Why is the price so much higher?

2003 Chardonnay:
Definitely the same thing.

2003 Sauvignon Blanc:
Can't pronounce it, but I sure can drink it! Had two glasses, but that server won't pour me a third. My wine expertise seems to be intimidating Jen — she just frowned when I described the "hints of okay".

2000 Seyval Blanc:
These crackers are fantastic! I'd take more home, but my pockets are full and Jen won't let me near her purse after I tried hide the bottle of SavigSomethingOn Blank in there.

1999 Riesling:
The French sure know how to make a good wine! This one has bold floral aromas, a full body, and rich tinges of melon. Or at least that's what the woman across the table just said. I trust her; she's got some nice melon tinges herself. Why did Jen just kick me?

2001 Reserve Merlot:
Very nice color, deep ruby red. Even looks good splattered across the front of my shirt.

2000 Cabernet Franc:
There's more than one kind of red wine? Who knew? And why do I feel so dizzy?

2000 Pinot Noir:
Do you remember the time we ran into our friends, at that bar, and we did some stuff? Those were good times. Wow — Jen's face is starting to look like the Merlot!

2003 Beaujolais:
The Beaujolais wasn't as good on the way back up. Maybe I should just stick with the Boone's?

Copyright © 2005 Andy Murphy
Please do not remove the copyright from this work.

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