(Originally Posted May 22, 2005)

Raising a daughter scares me to death; I'm unmarried and have no children, so I consider myself an expert on family life. And I know having a teenage daughter would fill me with enough stress to kill a water buffalo.

Most of this knowledge comes from watching television. TVs have been used as baby-sitters for so long that it's no surprise our screens would get concerned and start offering parenting advice. It's goodbye Doctor Spock, and hello Doctor Phil. Thanks to quality television doppelgangers like Super Nanny and Nanny 911, and Newlyweds and Chaotic!, many of us have become experts on family issues, just like Ozzy Osborne.

In my vast, non-existent experience, I've found that raising a child — much like building a pyramid — requires planning, care, and about 20 years of back-breaking slave labor. But if you're Britney Spears and/or Kevin Federline, congratulations! Life may be "chaotic", but you're famous! You'll be able to hire people to do the dirty work while the rest of us spend years exhausted and fretting over each cough, skinned knee, and underage drinking bust.

The idea of being somebody's Dad is scary. But having a little girl? It doesn't take a Girls Gone Wild commercial to make me realize how over-protective I'll be if I ever have a teenage daughter.

I think I could handle raising a boy — once he learns a urinal's not a water fountain, you can pretty much turn a boy loose on the world and he'll be okay. But once you have a daughter, those same unleashed boys become the enemy. And that's the cruel twist. Nobody knows the teenage boy's mind quite as thoroughly as the father of a teenage girl, because the majority of fathers used to be teenagers too. I'll know EXACTLY what's happening when a boy drives my teenage girl home and spends 20 minutes idling in the driveway. There will be gasping for breath, grabbing at the chest, pain shooting down the left arm… my first heart attack!

So you see I'm understandably worried. But I'm hoping the future will bring technology that'll help ensure my future daughter's virtue. Recent scientific breakthroughs have made me feel tremendously better about raising a girl, laser tattoo removal being one of them. I'm also looking forward to more cell phones getting Global Positioning Systems, so I can set up a personal alert when my little girl heads to Tijuana.

Unfortunately scientists really aren't spending much time developing products for paranoid fathers, so I've dreamed up a few ideas to get them started:

Victoria's Top-Secret:
Once upon a time, a sturdy bra could serve as a protective barrier to the advances of teenage boys, but in those days they were called corsets. Now a brassiere's entire defensive strategy consists of a befuddling snap and the word "brassiere". Protect your daughter's virtue while providing the right level of comfort and support with the Victoria's Top-Secret Electric Under-Wire Bra. So effective, it's shocking! (Also available in sizes C and D-volt.)

AOL's S.O.L. Instant Messenger:
When your daughter's not on the phone, she's on IM. Keep her personal information safe with the S.O.L. Instant Messenger plug-in! As she chats with a boy online, S.O.L. automatically replaces portions of text with selected quotes from The Crying Game. Your daughter's would-be suitor is left confused and S.O.L., instantly!

The Auto Motives Transmitter:
Driveways are for parking a car, not for fogging up windows. With the installation of a simple garage transmitter, all unauthorized cars pulling into your yard will automatically have their dome light activated and all windows rolled down. Upgrades for The Auto Motives Transmitter include the ability to disable reclining seats and fry bass speakers.

Insecurity Security:
Nothing defeats a boy's advances as effectively as the Insecurity Security "Blemish and Breath" System. The Insecurity Security System installs quickly and covertly, attaching to your daughter's cerebral cortex or favorite earrings. When sensors detect the approach of teenage testosterone, the Insecurity Security System sends subliminal messages to your daughter's brain, suggesting that the large pimple on her face is just, like, so gross he can't come near you, and like, especially don't let him kiss you, because oh snap! your breath smells like grandma. Or just set the timer to ensure your daughter returns home ahead of curfew.

With any luck, products like these will prepare me for having a daughter. But if all else fails, I could just keep her safe the old-fashioned way — by joining the NRA. Nothing keeps a boy on his toes quite as well as a shotgun, a tactic grossly ignored by Nanny 911.

Oh, and Britney and Kevin — congratulations! I'm rooting for a girl.

Copyright © 2006 Andy Murphy
Please do not remove the copyright from this work.

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