We're midway through 2006, a time to look back at the year and think about how much we've accomplished so far. Go ahead, reminisce. I'll wait.

Done already? C'mon! You've accomplished waaaay more than you think! I know for a fact that you didn't die of the Bird Flu. Way to go! You've made it to Hurricane Season.

In the first half of 2006, you also survived 24 hour coverage of celebrity baby news. First came TomKat's kitten, followed by the Brangelina baby, and just in case Child Protective Services snags Britney's first born, Spears now has a backup bun in the oven. Heck, even Anna Nicole Smith found herself pregnant after winning her Supreme Court battle. (Chief Justice Roberts, you naughty rascal!)

Remember all your ambitious New Year's Resolutions? I'm sure you checked them off your To-Do List months ago, displaying your achievement on the refrigerator where friends and family could see how great you are. And you felt so accomplished, knowing those gullible saps would think you actually lived up to all your silly good intentions.

Why do we make resolutions we have no chance of keeping? Three words: Too. Much. Eggnog.

As an Old Year expires and Baby New Year kicks free of its temporal womb, people feel compelled, for unknown reasons, to attempt one of the most difficult and pointless exercises known to man:

Paying the holiday bills.

We lose our mind when we see how much we spent and wind up making ludicrous New Year's Resolutions like, "make a budget," "get in shape," or "stop mailing love letters to Naomi Watts."

New Year's Resolutions reveal a lot about your innermost secrets. For a man, a New Year's Resolution to get in shape reveals that he hasn't had much luck with the ladies, so he may as well go to the gym where he can leer at women doing yoga.

But the same resolution, made by a woman, likely means that she secretly hates her skinny friends, who swear that Diet Dr. Pepper really does taste more like regular Dr. Pepper.

The best way to ensure that you accomplish your resolutions is to share them with a friend, because he or she will shame you relentlessly for failing. I ran my 2006 resolutions past my girlfriend on New Year's Day:

"Andy, you didn't resolve to beat up the monkey in the zoo again, did you?"

"Of course not," I said, erasing furiously.

"Because your black eye lasted a whole month last year."

"The monkey fought dirty, leaving that banana peel for me to slip on."

"Andy, you were the one eating the banana. Didn't you say that was part of your 'amazing' disguise?"

"Look, let's stop talking about the monkey in the zoo. I have a whole new list of resolutions that don't involve that stupid monkey… You know that fat panda with all the bamboo? Yeah, think I'm gonna beat him up."

People give up on resolutions because most resolutions are boring. Be a better person? Yawn! Drink 8 glasses of water every day? Who cares!

If you really want to accomplish something, you need to set excessively impossible goals. Maybe you won't actually wind up honeymooning in the Tropics with Salma Hayek, but at least you'll have a great story to tell when they let you out of prison.

For example, here are three resolutions I made for 2006 that I've already accomplished. More or less:

• Resolution: Leave Boston to become an astronaut, tour the moon.
• Accomplished: Rode around Boston in a Chevy Astro Van, mooning tourists.

• Resolution: Win Pulitzer Prize for reporting on world affairs.
• Accomplished: Won praise from girlfriend for leaving toilet seat down.

• Resolution: Develop a pill that cures cancer.
• Accomplished: Distilled moonshine that cleared my sinuses.

So, if you've already given up on your resolutions this year, go ahead and give 'em another try. Want to learn German in time for the World Cup? I bet you'll find just as much satisfaction by drinking a German beer and belching the alphabet song.

Heck, with another six months ahead of you, there's plenty of time to achieve the rest of your 2006 goals. Or just beat up a monkey.

Copyright © 2006 Andy Murphy
Please do not remove the copyright from this work.

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