Three days ago, my girlfriend and I bought our first home. We promptly began tearing it down.

If owning a home is part of the American Dream, then it's that part of the Dream where you show up at school naked. Everyone else is telling you there are important lessons to be learned about homeownership, but you're just worried about keeping your butt covered long enough to find clothes you can actually afford.

We haven't been able to move into our new home yet, but it seems like we've been living there. We spend the day at our country home, painting and pulling out crappy wallpaper, and then at night we drive back to our city apartment to remind ourselves that we're paying way too freaking much while we wait for our lease to expire.

Do you like surprises? I had two surprises yesterday, so I don't like surprises anymore. On the bright side, it's not everyday that you get to knock a hole through the side of your new home AND nearly blow up your apartment on the same day.

My girlfriend's dad offered to help us install a new tile floor in the sunroom of our new house. Even though I'm living in sin with his only daughter, I somehow felt like I'd be safe with him, way out in the boonies, handling power tools.

Girlfriend's Dad: "So, nice day out. Quiet. Nobody's around, just you, me, and this circular saw."

Unsuspecting Me: "Did you know that a circular saw cuts straight lines, not circles? Common misconception."

Girlfriend's Dad: "Do you remember how I told you that if you touched my daughter, I'd cut your hand off?"

Unsuspecting Me: "…I mean, I thought it would cut circles too, but this guy at the Home Depot really seemed to know what he was talking about. I think an orange vest is a symbol of knowledge in their culture."

Girlfriend's Dad: "I just need you to hold this wood here, with your wrist right across this line I drew… Perfect!"

Okay, that never actually happened. Nobody at the Home Depot knows anything about saws.

We found rotted sub-flooring when we pulled up the carpet in one room. Next thing I know, we're chopping up sections of the floor, following the rot to the wall — and knocking a huge hole in the side of my house!

I called my girlfriend into the room, to impress her with how I improved the cross breeze by knocking a hole in the side of our house, to let Nature in.

I can't repeat what she said to me, but my girlfriend more or less told Nature to find its own damned house, preferably in my rectum.

As luck would have it, our new neighbor is a contractor. He builds homes for a living, which works well because I need a home for a living.

I offered a case of beer as payment for his help, but I forgot that contractors require half payment up front. Twelve beers later, the hole was much bigger, but he ran low and needed an advance on the rest of the case. We didn't get much work done before he disappeared, but he seemed fascinated by my story about the circular saw.

Nature is now kept out of my house by a thin sheet of plywood. But if anyone else creeps in, there's nothing to steal; all our possessions are back at the city apartment, which almost exploded yesterday.

Blowing up all our crap and starting over may sound like a good idea on paper, but it totally sucks in real life. In fact, it blows…

Firefighters came to my apartment to investigate a gas leak caused by my stove. I feel betrayed. The very oven that has so kindly cooked my fat- and cholesterol-saturated pizzas is trying to kill me! While my girlfriend and I spent the day ripping our house down, seven firefighters converged in my apartment to open both of the windows.

Kind of makes me feel better about having a gaping hole in the side of my new house. If we have a gas leak, I may appreciate all that ventilation!

Copyright © 2006 Andy Murphy
Please do not remove the copyright from this work.

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