This is what we've trained for, one test batch of chili at a time. Today we come together as a nation to drink beer, watch commercials, and wait three hours for pizza delivery. Today we say that yes, by golly, we ARE ready for some football!

Unless, of course, you hate the Super Bowl.

My girlfriend doesn't want anything to do with the Super Bowl tonight. Jen swears that football is the most boring sport she's ever seen. And this is coming from a girl who watches BASEBALL on television. Voluntarily! Imagine a typical summer afternoon in our house:

Me: Oh, you're watching baseball again. What's happening?

Her: The score's tied at zero, and the batter's been adjusting his grip for 40 minutes. Two of the outfielders have been planting a quaint terrace of flowers in the warning track, and the last person left in the stadium just fell asleep. I love this game!

I guess I can't hold Jen's ignorance against her — she just doesn't understand the game the way I do. The only thing Jen knows about the Super Bowl is that it involves dried, brown pigskin — one for the football, and one for Janet Jackson's nipple.

Fortunately, I'm an expert on football, so I'm going to teach Jen all she needs to know. With this primer, ANYBODY can become a football fan in time for tonight's game.

Introduction to Football

Football is a game. It may seem like a religion but, like Scientology, it's not. Just try wearing a giant, Styrofoam cheese head to church and you'll see what I mean.

Football consists of two teams that alternate between hitting each other and getting into a pile for a group hug (called "physical therapy"). While cheerleaders are often shown during the game, their purpose is to embody feminist power and inspire cosmetology school dropouts across the country.

For best results, football should be watched while drinking. Eating pretzels and pizza is also recommended, but not required.

Scoring

The team not wearing deodorant, called the "offense", tries to score by getting the football all the way across the field without being "tackled" (tested for steroids).

Scoring a touchdown (a "TD") results in six points and a chance for an extra point, earned by dancing in the end zone. Excessive dancing or celebrating (a "T.O.") earns two extra points.

A team scores a three-point "field goal" if they kick the ball through the giant tuning fork.

At the end of the game, the team with the highest score gets to sign endorsements for sneakers, Viagra, and Campbell's Chunky Soup. The losing team signs with Mary Kay.

Players

Football players have strange names, like Fuamatu-Ma'afala, so we usually refer to them by the position they play.

Quarterback (QB): The QB is the player who donated the coin used for the opening coin toss and who spends the rest of the game trying to get his quarter back. When the QB tries to use a wooden nickel instead of a quarter, it's called a "quarterback sneak".

Running Back (RB): Usually the team's Native American players.

Tight End (TE): A tight end blocks for the ball carrier, catches passes from the QB, and distracts the opposing team by wearing small pants that reveal his "offensive package".

Wide Receiver (WR): An eligible receiver weighing more than 300 pounds.

Special Teams: After being hit in the head waaaay too many times, everyone on Special Teams is a winner just for participating.

Kicker: The kicker is the player that everybody on the team hates. Really, they should just call him the "kickee".

Lineman: Coming in two varieties, offensive and defensive, the most famous of linemen is the Wichita Lineman, who needs a small vacation but it don't look like rain; so the Wichita Lineman is still on the line.

Center: A lineman constantly being fondled and groped by the QB, the center's job is to keep the QB's hands warm by holding them between his butt and his athletic cup.

Now go enjoy Super Bowl XL. You wouldn't want the terrorists to win, would you?

Copyright © 2006 Andy Murphy
Please do not remove the copyright from this work.

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