Since the dawn of time, Man has been plagued by financial questions. How much mammoth meat should I save up to last through the winter? Should I invest in Kroc's wacky "wheel" invention? And with rates at prehistoric lows, when's the best time to refinance the cave?

Frustrated cavemen would pace circles around their Ikea living room sets and tear at their expensively coiffed hair, scanning through credit card statements and asking their wives the most important of all financial questions: "Ugga mahlugga?"

Translated from caveman speak, "Ugga mahlugga" means, literally, "Why did the chicken cross the road?"

But in the context of caveman days, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" actually meant, "Where in the heck did all of our money (chicken) go?" The answer to both questions is irrelevant, because cavemen and cavewomen were too primitive to transfer balances to a lower rate card, at least not without incurring transaction fees.

In America today, many of us are not much better off than poor Ugga sitting down to count his mahluggas. Our investment portfolios are well-balanced between Nads, Super Oxy Clean, and the complete set of Ginzu knives.

Perhaps financial advice is too confusing for people like us to understand — there's a reason they don't teach words like "budget" or "alimony" or "garnish your wages" in elementary school.

Book store shelves are stocked full of financial advice, plans for getting out of debt, and ways to get rich overnight by investing in real estate. But who wants to read a book when you've just financed a big screen TV?

Does your debt leave you so depressed that you can hardly find the energy to spend money at the mall? Then let me tell you, right this very minute, everything you need to know about managing your debt and how to live a happy life without financial worries.

These simple steps will help you manage your payments and transform your debt into something truly amazing. When you die, you can look down (or up, as the case may be) and smile with happiness, knowing you were able to leave something special for your children — your massive, annually-compounded debt. It's an inheritance that will ensure your family (and their children in turn) will remember you for years to come.

Managing Your Debt

• Pay more than the minimum amount due:
  Paying more than the minimum payment will help you free up room on the card to buy necessities, like groceries or a new ping-pong table. Once you can no longer pay a sum greater than the minimum, it's time to find a new card!
• Pay the card with the highest interest rate first:
  Be sure to make the payment by using another credit card with a lower interest rate to maximize your bad credit.
• Leverage creative financing:
  When you reach the limit on all your cards and cannot obtain additional lines of credit, consider the many financial instruments available from alternative sources, such as Tony Soprano.

Dealing with Debt Collectors

• Negotiate a debt repayment plan:
  Most creditors would rather establish a repayment plan than write off your debt to a collection agency. Even if you don't plan to pay, this step will buy you enough time to make a few more purchases.
• Get caller ID:
  When debt collectors are calling, you shouldn't be afraid to answer your phone — get caller ID instead. If the calls keep coming, don't worry. When the phone company disconnects your service for non-payment, the collection calls will stop.
• Consider relocating:
  There's no shame in hiding from your debt collectors. Our leaders in Washington are living proof — the budget deficit is the real reason for Dick Cheney's undisclosed location.

Lather, Rinse, and Repeat

• Declare bankruptcy:
  Hey, you had a pretty good run, but everyone's chicken has to cross the road eventually.
• Learn from your mistakes:
  Did you max out your credit too soon? Could you have extended yourself further with a third mortgage?
• Time the implosion:
  Now that you've learned everything about maximizing your debt, try again. If you time it just right, your debt will implode under its own weight while the debt collectors are repossessing your deathbed.

Can you say, "Ugga mahlugga?"

Copyright © 2007 Andy Murphy
Please do not remove the copyright from this work.

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