This week, our nation celebrates Presidents Day, a federal holiday set aside for honoring our country's leaders, enjoying mid-winter recess at school, and reducing last year's model inventory at car dealerships.

"Come on down to Crazy Bob's Toyota Honda Ford Chrysler, where we stack 'em deep and sell 'em cheap, just like Thomas Jefferson's illegitimate slave children! Do your best impression of George Washington and cross the Potomac Highway to view our show room. We cannot tell a lie, we're selling below invoice so you'd better come early — these deals will go quicker than you can chop down a cherry tree!"

It's also a time of year when I'm glad I don't work at the White House. Hallmark doesn't exactly have a "To the President on Presidents Day" section. Condoleezza must spend hours creating her trademark decoupage cards. I always have trouble selecting just the right gift for something as simple as Father's Day; can you imagine trying to come up with what to get the President for Presidents Day? Especially when he's in his second term of office; I mean, there's a limit to the number of ties you can give somebody. Personally, I think that's how the whole Monica Lewinski scandal erupted.

I imagine President's Day at the White House to be something like this:

Dear Cabinet Members:

After lunch today, please join us in the War Room for cake and cookies as we surprise W. with our annual Presidents Day party. We've cleared out the scale model of Disney World to make room for the Non-alcoholic Beer Pong and the No-Limit Budget Request Texas Hold-em tables.

Please help us make the annual surprise party a "Shock and Awe-some" time. Everyone who can attend, should attend. The only Cabinet Member excused from the party is Homeland Security Secretary Chertoff. Michael saw his shadow after emerging in Pennsylvania two weeks ago, and we won't be seeing him for the rest of the winter.

And on a final note — I know you are told this every year, but please, for a change, tasteful cards only this year. Dirty jokes about 43's name are really getting old.

Yes, Cheney, I'm talking to you. Shoot me.

Sincerely,
Josh "Stop Spelling It Bolton" Bolten, Chief of Staff

Presidents Day is especially significant this year because we have a motley procession of hopefuls filing through the primary states, ready to battle for the Presidency. Even though it's only February 2007, the 2008 presidential election is already more crowded than Rush Limbaugh's medicine cabinet.

Therefore, I've put together this helpful guide to the candidates.

Hilary Rodham Clinton:
Hilary is tired of buying Bill Clinton cards for President's day. Recently, Hilary said that if she were president, we'd never have gone to war with Iraq. She would have made Saddam sleep in the couch a few nights before getting back together with him.

John McCain:
McCain was a Prisoner of War in Vietnam, which means he doesn't take crap from ANYBODY. Except for President Bush. And Karl Rove. And voters outside of Arizona.

Barack Obama:
Despite having a name that sounds like Osama, and having the middle name Hussein, Barack is hoping win the hearts and minds of voters who can look past their gun racks and prejudices. He has no record of voting for war in Iraq, but he can quote his performance on "Meet The Press" to claim he actually voted against running for president before he voted for it.

Mitt Romney and Rudi Giuliani:
Romney, a Mormon, is the only candidate that can get away with sprinkling polygamy jokes into the gay marriage debate. Meanwhile, Giuliani's had so many wives that you'd think Rudi and Mitt would get along better.

Dave Barry:
While not officially a declared candidate, Dave Barry will be getting my write-in vote. His qualifications include a celebrity guest appearance on Wheel of Fortune and the lack of a relationship with Monica Lewinsky.

There are lots of other candidates, but don't worry. We still have more than a year and a half to have our news dominated by the coverage of the elections — assuming the wall-to-wall Anna Nicole Smith coverage doesn't go on for that long.

Copyright © 2007 Andy Murphy
Please do not remove the copyright from this work.

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