I had an experience at the movie theater last Friday that was so shocking, I nearly forgot how much Hollywood has been ripping us all off.

You'll hardly see me in a movie theater these days. My last trip to see a movie was so outrageously expensive that my wallet was depleted before I even got into the theater — I used all my cash just to pay for parking. To buy tickets, I had to call VISA and beg for a raise.

The small popcorn required a 2nd mortgage.

Movie theater popcorn is a funny thing. At a movie theater, "small" is relative term. If AMC Movie Theaters were to sell pants, a size "small" would fit Rosie O'Donnell.

A "medium" would fit the Moon, if you cinched the belt tightly enough.

It seems that Hollywood has opted for quantity instead of quality, and not just when it comes to the refreshments. Movies are running so long that theaters need to implement intermissions — because three-hours of movie don't mix with three-gallons of small Pepsi.

Personally, I blame the three-hour movie phenomenon on Titanic. Water was splashing all over, people were screaming, women and children were going first — and that was just in the bathroom at the theater.

This summer has been dubbed the "Summer of Sequels" because Hollywood, collectively, ran out of ideas. Boom, just like that. Open any writer's office in Hollywood, you'll hear that slurping noise a straw makes at the bottom of a cup.

In Hollywood, good ideas are like oil — they're becoming harder to find, more expensive to produce, and all the good stuff has been coming in from overseas. Admitting your ideas have run dry is an Inconvenient Truth, so movie executives took a page from Al Gore's movie and started recycling.

Just about every movie this summer has been recycled. You have Pirates of the Caribbean 3, Shrek The Third, and Fantastic Four 2 (which, by my math, should be "Fantastic 8").

And don't forget Spider Man 3, Rush Hour 3, and "Jason Bourne 3" — The Bourne Ultimatum. Presumably, the ultimatum is: "If you don't watch this movie, next year we'll cast Ben Affleck."

I was sad to discover that Hostel: Part II, a horror movie with a creepy poster, doesn't have a witty tagline. I mention this because my suggestion ("Hostel Part II — even more Hostel-er than the First!") was clearly disregarded.

Not every recycled idea is a sequel. Some are just plain old recycled. For example, Nancy Drew will be released later this month, which will give young girls someone to idolize and emulate until Paris Hilton is released later this month.

All this recycled junk. I nearly gave up on Hollywood. But then, on Friday, I had the most pleasant surprise of my movie-going life — when I discovered that Bruce Willis is staring in another Die Hard movie! Oh sure, Die Hard 4: Live Free or Die Hard, is bound to be terrible. But how many movies can get away with dialogue like "You just killed a helicopter with a car!" (I'd like to see Nancy Drew try killing a helicopter with a car.)

Am I a hypocrite with terrible taste in movies? Most certainly. But if you can't beat 'em, you may as well join 'em.

So I've come up with a few movies that Hollywood has overlooked — or at least, these ideas have been overlooked until now!

• Forrest Gumpalicious
• Se8en: Se7en Part II
• Milk, Bread, & Cheese: Schindler's Other List
• 13 Angry Men
• High 1:00 PM
• Mr. Smith's Sex Scandal Goes to Washington
• It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad Sequel
• Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid Meet Frankenstein
• Apocalypse Now: The Musical
• L.A. Declassified
• 2 Million Dollar Baby
• The Graduate 2: Electric Boogaloo

But until any one of these movies comes out, I'll just be content with the latest Die Hard sequel. It's bound to have everything you could possibly need in a movie — explosions, witty repartee, and Bruce Willis. And I wouldn't even complain if Nancy Drew makes a cameo appearance to kill a helicopter.

Copyright © 2007 Andy Murphy
Please do not remove the copyright from this work.

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