Have you ever wondered why April Fool's Day and Tax Day are so close together?

If you have, then I'm betting you've never had the pleasure of reviewing my tax return — my taxes are always pretty good for a laugh. In between guffaws, I can usually muster just enough breath to gasp "I owe the Federal Government HOW MUCH?" before the belly laughs really take over again.

Yes, April Fool's and Tax Day are paired for a reason — because even bean counters need to cut loose every now and then. Can you imagine the April Fool's Day pranks that must take place at IRS Headquarters? I've heard they sometimes switch the caps on red pens, to make the victim mark up tax files in BLUE! Har har har. Those IRS agents really know how to have a good time!

In fact, I'm quite sure the form "1040-EZ" was intended to be an April Fool's Day prank. EZ? C'mon! Someone at the IRS is still laughing about that one. At least we can take comfort in knowing he has no friends.

Unfortunately, whoever created Turbo Tax has absolutely no sense of humor. Last year, I tried to get away with itemizing my tax payment as a charitable donation. That turned out like Casino Night at a Baptist Fundraiser. No dice.

Hey, if the Federal Government is more than $8 Trillion in debt, that's about $8 Trillion worse off than the starving child in Africa to whom I almost donated the cost of a cup of coffee a day. So who's laughing now?

Where was I? Oh yes. I also discovered that, unlike the SAT Exam, you can't get through your tax paperwork by answering "C" for every question. On the other hand, at least the tax forms don't have a section on analogies — if they did, they might read something like "Mary Kate Olsen : Lunch Buffet" as "My Adjusted Gross Income : ???????? "

(Hint: Mary Kate needs a biscuit or something.)

Are you a procrastinator? (Don't worry, you don't have to answer right away.) I ask because fellow procrastinators will understand why I usually file my taxes on April 15th, at 11:59 PM. It's not because I'm lazy — though true — it's because 11:59 at the Post Office on April 15th is a party. Cookies, coffee, sometimes there's even a guy with a Ukulele — it's the biggest government sponsored party you'll ever attend without being a Halliburton employee.

So it is with a great deal of sadness that I took the Future Wife's advice and hired a professional to complete my taxes this year. Unfortunately that means I won't be attending the party at the Post Office this year. But fortunately — she clarified "professional" before I paid the Jerry Lewis impersonator.

The thing about having someone else do your taxes — they actually expect to see all your tax paperwork. Making stuff up doesn't cut it. So when I wandered into the office with a shoebox filled with every piece of paperwork I could find, the Certified Public Accountant took one look at my "file" and said, "I'll make a deal with you — I'll do your taxes if you go through this shoebox and separate the tax paperwork from the used Kleenex and the Dilbert cartoons."

We had time to get to know each other better. She asked me what I did for a living, and I answered as if she were genuinely curious — and not because the first question was "Occupation". During the ensuing chit chat, the CPA mentioned that she had twin daughters, and gestured to photos of the girls hanging on her wall. Both girls were smiling in school photos. They weren't dressed alike, but each wore a shirt emblazoned with a separate, large-print corporate logo. Before I could stop myself, I blurted out, "And I see you gave your daughters cutesy twin names. Which one is older, Nike or Nautica?"

The CPA gave me a look so cold it could only mean I was one April Fool who was getting flagged for an IRS audit.

Next year, I'm definitely going with the Jerry Lewis impersonator.

Copyright © 2007 Andy Murphy
Please do not remove the copyright from this work.

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