I want to start this off by pointing out that I knew that I was wrong. No matter how convincing I sound in my explanation, remember, I was wrong. This will come in handy for later when I get into the gist of my essay here.
Ready? Here goes.
So the fiancé and I […]

It’s amazing how many people want to buy stuff. It doesn’t matter what it is, as long as they can talk you down a dollar or two, they’ll buy it.

Fortunately, Grandma doesn’t say a word about me peeing in the bag.

I guarantee that once this slides through as a bona-fide medical condition we’ll start seeing stupider and stupider reasons why one cannot go to work

From all of our responses we’ll randomly select one reader who will win a Nintendo entertainment system. Don’t be surprised when the winner looks like me in a wig.

She found the ring in my sock drawer. I had to do it.

First off, shut the hell up. It's Ray's turn to talk now.

Don’t dispense advice. People will hate your guts

Women want to know that a guy is financially stable and can afford to buy them the nice things in life like candy necklaces and oversized novelty cigars. This is the reason I normally tape nickels and pennies to my shoes.

I call these things, “car-ranks”. It’s, “car” and “pranks” put together. I like to make up words sometimes because I’m an idiot.

The girlfriend and I have been going to a lot of school productions lately. She’s a teacher and my restraining orders have been lifted at many area schools so going to these plays and musicals seems like the thing to do for the both of us.

If you ever have an idea for a column, please feel free to tell me. I’ll be the guy who’s avoiding you.

I don’t recognize my fellow human being nearly enough.

I’m thinking of getting a dog to protect my home…a dog that knows how to use nunchucks

You know, packing tape does not taste good.

I sincerely apologize for throwing lit matches at you.

I am happy to say that I have gotten a lot of the human waste smell out of my bed and have turned my one room abode into my own :) .

While I am taken quite aback at the sight of this old guy in way too loose briefs, I was able to keep my calm:

You see, it’s being sick that makes me cranky and therefore I lash out at everyone around me-especially those I love. Oh, except for you Aunt Mary. I meant what I said about your chicken noodle soup. You needed to hear it, okay?

POINT: You get to eat miniaturized candy bars which make you feel like maybe you've become a giant overnight.

Gather ‘round, children…you with the crossed eyes, sit in the back. You’re freaking me out…I want to tell you a story.

…It’s just sometimes I’m the type of model that you find in a Wal-Mart circular. They mean well, but they just don’t do the job.

Andy’s response is kicking me in the mouth. I lose one of my PERMANENT teeth.

Really, it was a miracle you lived through your first five years of life. Your parents deserved to be congratulated one day of the year.

See, I’ve decided lately that if someone asks me to do something that I don’t want to do I’m going to kick them in the crotch so that they stop asking right there and don’t feel like maybe they can convince me to do it after I've already said, "no".

However, I am finding some pants of mine starting to get a little snug around the waist and this time it’s not because I've stuffed a cucumber down the front of them as a way to impress the ladies at the local park

Neighbor: What the hell is the matter with you?

Me: Competitive eating contest…NOW!

I need money. Pay up, suckers…I mean, loyal followers.

He expressed his concern with me never being at home to hang out with him and I expressed my displeasure with waking up in the morning and having what I believe is called a, “Cleveland Steamer” on my chest.

Little known fact: Cleaning a gun when a boyfriend shows up isn't nearly as scary as castrating a dog with a pair of scissors on the front porch. THAT will make the guys think twice.

“What were the words to the ‘Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles’ theme song? Was it something like, “Leonardo, Raphael, Michelangelo, hmmm hmmm hmmm…no, wait, that’s the “Alvin and the Chipmunks” tune…right words, wrong tune…”

Chicks dig a guy who cares about his appearance. They also dig guys that are smart. Therefore, I constantly wear a shirt that I got back in fourth grade when I finally got an "A". Sure, I’ve outgrown the, "child’s size medium" top, but my proven intelligence drives the girls wild.

It was uncomfortable having someone watch me try to decide if I was comfortable or not. Seeing as though I don’t think I could ever be fully comfortable and ready to sleep if someone was standing over my bed, I just couldn’t seem to get in the right mindset. Want to know a good way to get these people to leave you alone? Do what I did — immediately roll over on your stomach and massage your butt. For some reason, that worked (and it brought the police!).

Please feel free to try any of these sports and start your own leagues. My only request is that you preface each sport name with “Ray Tice memorial” and yell my praises after your rendition of the National Anthem.

It goes like this. My computer went kaput a couple of months ago and I haven’t been able to do anything at all. That’s right, no e-mails (sorry, nana), no online gambling, hell-no online studying of the female anatomy. It’s been horrible.

Reached for comment later in the day, Tice stated, “Leave me alone, I’m trying to find a place in the hallway to pee.”

Thanks to expirations on some restraining orders, most of you are receiving my holiday wishes for the first time this year –welcome!

Ray’s list of everything else he could have been doing that morning:
- sleeping

I think that they should make haunted houses for adults that feature the types of things that scare us now as opposed to what scared us when we were younger.

“Whatever,” I said, “I’ll do anything else you guys want me to.” I was trying to sound macho, but you didn’t know these guys…it was sure to be something bad.

I decide to fess up to my mom hoping that maybe she can hide me from the police…

My parents are sitting among the others that had come to listen to their kids give their presentations. However, unlike the other parents, my mom and dad were wearing disguises and pointing a video camera in my direction.

Boom! The kid's dead! Good going, mom!

Now that I look back at it, maybe I shouldn't have invited them to come watch my fight with you, but then I wouldn't have had a ride.