I went hunting recently.

Yep, it’s deer season in Indiana and I took it upon myself to rid the state of Bambi’s mother. Now, before you lose respect for me, I had never been hunting before. It didn’t really appeal to me, you know-taking a life and all, but for some reason this year I had decided to join my Uncle in his annual tradition.

I’m not much of a marksman. I don’t really like guns and therefore had never really taken so much of an interest in firing one at some kind of accuracy. Now I had taken quite a few shots at video games before (1,564 high score at Duck Hunt!) but I had never really held a boom stick in my hands at shot at something in real life.

My Uncle knew this and told me that we should “go shooting” at a sponsored range before we would actually go on a hunt. I love this idea of a state-sponsored “sanctioned” range because it makes me feel like if you go shooting anywhere else you are breaking a law. No wonder those sissies at the local CVS drug store got all bent out of shape…

So we go shooting at the local state park shooting range. Have you ever been before? It’s kind of unsettling. There you are, in jeans and a flannel shirt shooting a gun down 100 yards into a paper target while people stand beside you shooting very high power rifles at their targets. I’ll say this again in more simple terms; THERE ARE PEOPLE ALL AROUND YOU WITH GUNS. When we got there we told the ranger that we wanted to shoot and he gave us a piece of paper and sent us on our way. That was it, no test or anything to see if maybe we would turn our guns on the other weekend warriors around us.

I would have felt a lot more at ease if they had given us a simple test before we went off with a gun in our hands around a bunch of people:

Question 1: Do you like to kill people?

Question 2: Are you crazy or anything that might make you want to kill people?

It’s as easy as that. Instead, everyone is putting their life in complete strangers’ hands-strangers with GUNS-so that they can enjoy of day of hunting paper targets. Yeah, kind of stupid.

So I actually didn’t do too badly. Hit the paper target a couple of times and everything. So my Uncle decides that I, Ray Tice, am ready to go out into the woods and wait for a deer to come along so that I can kill it.

Now, you actually have to get a license to kill these animals. Yep, you can kill as long as you have paid your $30 and received a piece of paper saying you can do so. Luckily, you don’t have to stand in line at the local Wal-Mart anymore (an all different sort of hell) and you can now order your license to kill online. That’s right kids; it’s not just for porn anymore!
So the day of the big hunt comes. My Uncle wakes me up at 5 in the morning and I, shaking off my hangover, crawl out of bed and ready myself for my journey into being a hunter. It is now that I learn the lesson that deer are somehow keen to one’s apparel and that I will have to wear the only thing that they can not “see”-camouflage and a bright orange vest. While I voiced my disappointment at not being able to wear my special sweat suit that I had dug out of my closet for just this occasion my Uncle brought out the extra snow suit patterned entirely of camo that he had brought just for me.

I put this ensemble on along with my bright orange jumper and cap and headed off into the woods with him. I was all ready to talk manly talk with my Uncle when he pointed me into a clearing:

Him: “That’s where you’re going to be.”

Me: “You mean where WE’RE going to be, right?”

Him: “No, YOU. We’re going to split up.”

What the hell kind of Scooby Doo type arrangement was this? We were going to split up?! Who was going to have my back? I mean, the deer have to know that this is the time of year that people come out to kill them, don’t they? What if they are making some kind of plan?

Head Deer: Alright people, listen up! Those bastard humans are going to be shooting at us for the next couple of weeks and we need to unite!

Deer #1: You mean they’re going to try to kill us for no reason? What gives them the right to do that?

Head Deer: They bought a piece of paper online saying they can.

All Deer: (in unison) Aw, F***! Not the internet!

Head Deer: I’m afraid so. Our plan is that we all gang up on any hunter that we see sitting by themselves and kick their ass.

All Deer: (unison, again) Kick their ass! Kick their ass!

So I start heading down to my hunting spot for the day. Before I get out of ear shot my Uncle imparts these words of wisdom:

“Be very still and don’t make any sound or you’ll scare them away.”

What the hell?! You mean to tell me that if I make the slightest sound that the deer won’t even come near my area? Let me tell you something that makes a lot of sound-CARS. The deer seem to have no problem with the loud sounds that automobiles emit when they run RIGHT IN TO THE FREAKING ROAD AND BASH INTO THEM CAUSING ME OVER $1,000 WORTH OF DAMAGE TO MY HONDA!!!

So really, my day of hunting isn’t really starting off too well as I’m starting to question all of these “rules” that I have to live by for the day. I’m starting to question my actions and wonder exactly what else I could have bought with that $30 that I spent on the stupid piece of paper.

Ray’s list of what else he could have spent $30 on:
-2 DVD’s
-1.5 CD’s
-4 cases of candy bars at “Sam’s Club”
-6 pay per view movies
-3 lunches
-porno
-getting someone to break another person’s knee cap

So I sit there…
And I sit there…
And I sit there…
And I sit there…
And I take a leak (c’mon, no one’s watching)
And I sit there…
And I sit there…
And I sit there…
I nap
And I sit there…
And I sit there…
And I sit there…

AND NOTHING HAPPENS!!! Seriously, I must have broken a twig…or wind…or something because there are absolutely NO DEER in sight at all. This goes on for like 6 hours-I should have brought a book or something (and by “something” I mean my Honda because we’ve already proven that the deer freakin’ LOVE that). I had never been so bored-and so cold-in my life.

…well, I was bored at Sizzler once, but that’s just because I ate faster than everyone else around me.

Before I start to get bored enough to start shooting at trees, it’s over. Yep, I woke up at 5 in the morning to sit around and do nothing for 6 hours. I started thinking of all the other things I could have done that morning…

Ray’s list of everything else he could have been doing that morning:
-sleeping

So yeah, my first hunting experience didn’t go so well. All is well anyway; while I was out there I just couldn’t SEE myself hunting-to be fair, I WAS wearing camouflage. But seriously folks, I don’t know if could actually kill something. Sure, I want to snuff out the life of most motorists, but I don’t know if I could kill Bambi’s mom (or in this case, dad). I just don’t really think I’m in to that. It’s just too bad that I wasted money and body heat to realize that I wasn’t really into the idea.

I’m glad I did it though. I can at least now claim that I froze my tookus off in hopes of killing something. I mean, it WAS on my “to do” list.

So for now, I’m just going to stick to “Duck Hunt”. It’s less messy, it’s warmer-and I can always just turn it off if I start to get bored.

Copyright © 2005 Ray Tice
Please do not remove the copyright from this work.

Send by Email! | Contact Us! | Permanent Link