There are many misconceptions about a person based on what they have accomplished. It is not unreasonable to think that since someone has achieved a certain honor that they should know a little something about what they have taken so long to actually earn.

A college graduate is supposed to be smart. I know many, and a lot of them are stupid. A person got their drivers license so they should know how to drive? Um…the test must be really easy and not require a person to know anything. Oh, and I learned today that since that whore from Supercuts made it through an intense 2.5 days at the "Supercuts Academy" it doesn't really mean that she's not going to do a job on my hair that actually made my Dad's old "at home haircuts" look like art. Of course maybe I should finally suck it up and pay more than $7 for a haircut, but I digress…

So we come to me. I've accomplished something over the last year that I am very proud of; I am a Brown Belt in the martial art practices of Tae Kwon Do and Hapkido. Only problem? You could still probably kick my ass. That's right, I'm still a huge pussy and now the only difference is that I have a pretty brown piece of cloth around my waist. Oh, that and I also now know MORE things that I should have done after you are finished kicking my ass in front of all of my friends and family.

Now that I look back at it, maybe I shouldn't have invited them to come watch my fight with you, but then I wouldn't have had a ride.

The real problem is that I have NEVER been in a fight my entire life. I've always been the cool guy who can talk himself out of problematic situations and really, if you take one look at me you realize that I don't pose a threat to you what so ever. I'd rather just think about what your girlfriend/wife/mom may look like naked instead of trying to act on it.

The only actual fights I've ever been in have been with my brothers and really, we can't count those. There seems to be some unwritten rule that you can't actually just haul out and punch your brother right in the face. Argue with me if you want (we've already discussed me not being a threat) but even if you do, you're not really putting your full force into it. That, and you still make the punching sound with your mouth while you are doing it and so it doesn't really count at all. But again, I'm getting off the subject.

So now I have my brown belt and I don't mind going around and telling people about it:

Me: "Hey man, guess what? I have my brown belt now. I broke 2 boards with my bare hands."

This one dude: "Oh, really?"

(dude proceeds to punch me in the throat. I immediately fall down and start wetting myself.)

The one dude: "Ask for you money back."

So yeah, people just PUNCH me now and then comment about how I didn't block it and return a boot to their midsection or something. Then they point at a wall and command me to break it down. After a few days I give up.

So really, am I wasting my time? Any of the fighting I do in class is very slow, very predictable and usually with a 10 year old…girl…who's in a wheelchair…and didn't know that we were fighting…because she's across the street from the school and I'm just looking at the window. Will I actually be able to fight and be effective once the situation arises or will I just look like a complete idiot to those around me as I shout, "HI-Yah!" at the top of my lungs with each missed punch/kick?

So I've decided to test myself. I'm going to start a fight with someone and I'll see how I do. I'll even let you know how it goes. Sit back and enjoy as I go and pick a fight. BRB.

(3 minutes elapse)

Okay, I'm back. I couldn't find anybody in my apartment to fight so I just grabbed a couple of “Chips Ahoy” instead and decided to call it a night. I appreciate the support in my recent endeavor and promise to keep you abreast (huh huh) in my journey to test out my Martial Arts skills. Who knows, maybe it will even be you if you don't watch your mouth. Ah, who am I kidding? Wanna go grab a beer?

Copyright © 2005 Ray Tice
Please do not remove the copyright from this work.

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