Greetings to all!

Thanks to expirations on some restraining orders, most of you are receiving my holiday wishes for the first time this year — welcome!

What an exciting 2005! So much has happened this year that I want to tell you all about. I’m sorry that I wasn’t able to get to you all individually, but so much is happening in my life right now that I decided to just send this form letter instead.

Oh my, where to start? How about at the beginning?!

January- I finally figured out how to use a toilet! The years of peeing on the lid of the monstrous machine finally ended when I realized what I was supposed to do. Thank you all to the people who supported me through this tough learning process. I would also like to apologize to the nice folks who live below me in the apartment complex for understanding my confusion when my pee would ultimately leak down into their living space. You guys are the best!

February- Valentine’s day was sweet this year! Thankfully the strip club down the street was open and the ladies were much more receptive to me than in years past. Of course, this was the first year that I used something other than “IOU’s” to tip the work staff so that might have helped.

Thank you also to my “secret admirer” who sent me a nice gift of a case of “Mr. Pibb” in my fridge. Ray, I know it was you-you can come out and tell me now!

March-What an unusually cold month this past March was, huh? I, of course, do not believe in heat or anything else that “the man” has given us, so I instead differed to covering up with blankets and the occasional road kill carcass that I found. While some of you may not think that raccoons have much to offer society, I think that they serve a certain purpose well. Become educated, people!

April- …um, okay-nothing much happened this month.

May- Your friend Ray Tice officially became a member of the Keebler Elves fan club! I have the card to prove it, do you want to see it? C’mon, look at it! Actually, it was just from a package of “E.L. Fudge” cookies, I laminated it myself. It was .50 well spent, in my opinion.

While there isn’t exactly much that being a member of the fan club provides, I find it very satisfying that I finally have a say in the meetings that I attend. Those other fan club members tend to look down their noses at us rookies and will only listen to your fund raising suggestions if you are a card carrying member such as me. Needless to say, I am very proud of my newly earned membership!

June- The weather finally started warming up providing me an opportunity to build that fort that I kept telling you all about! Ground breaking and construction started on the first Tuesday of June and is still ongoing. It’s awfully rough to find the time to build my dream place while leading the busy life that I do! I want to thank all that have contributed to my “fort” fund and am proud to report that I have currently raised $2.82 and a couple of aluminum cans that I plan on taking down to the recycling place in the near future!

You ladies will also be glad to hear that I have dropped the “no girls allowed” rule for my fort after much consideration and will welcome any and all females who wish to visit me in my new place…please.

July-As many of you know, I suffered a very major injury from a faulty “snap-and-pop” over the Fourth of July holiday. May I be the first to say that when a label tells you not to put something in your mouth that you follow the directions very closely. Thanks again to all of you who sent your sympathy and support…all 2 of you…I am looking forward to hearing from the rest of you within the next couple of weeks.

August-My 27th birthday happened this month! Unfortunately, 27 hasn’t really provided many new opportunities for me, but I hope and pray that really cool things start happening for me soon. Below is a list of everything that I thought would start happening for me now that I’m a year older, but still have yet to see:

-automatically know and understand a foreign language
-have a $5 bill appear in my pocket WHENEVER (so far all I get is a few pieces of change and a “Burger King” wrapper).
-Denty Moore Beef Stew taste more like Campbell’s Beef Stew

I hope that maybe I just misunderstood everything that 27 brings you and will see these and more appear when I turn 28.

September-see April

October-Man oh man, Halloween was a hoot this year! I went to a kickin’ party sponsored by the local YMCA as my favorite character, “that little piece of crap from ‘Home Improvement’” and won honorable mention in the costume contest! What did I receive, you may be asking? Well, just a free month of towel and locker usage! Of course, I already used it up, but it was great!

November-I finally got a Blockbuster membership card! After many months-nay-YEARS of being rejected, I am now officially able to pay $4.50 to rent the newest release! Let me tell you, the Blockbuster application process is strenuous. Did you know that you actually have to have a REAL credit card to join? Luckily, I had just received my FIRST credit card just a few days prior (and got a free t-shirt in the process!) and was finally accepted! I would now like to extend an invite to anyone who wants to come over to my place this weekend to watch “Baby Geniuses” with me. I’ll do the renting!

December-This month! Christmas is finally here! I am so happy to spend this year’s Holidays with all of you, my adoring fans of “Stolensoap”! Though I DO realize that many of you accidentally happened upon this site while ‘Googling’ for “stolen innocence”, I am happy just the same. May I wish all of you the best for the upcoming year! Please keep visiting our site (Andy has promised that we will be able to start posting pictures of us in our underwear) for your comedy needs. I plan on spending this year’s holidays hitting my Grandma up for money and trying to convince my parents that they never had a valuable vase sitting on their mantel.

Happy Holidays, everyone!

Your Pal,
Ray

Copyright © 2005 Ray Tice
Please do not remove the copyright from this work.

Send by Email! | Contact Us! | Permanent Link