There's a problem sweeping the nation. Yep, I'm the first to tell you about it. Kids are dying at an alarming rate all from eating candy.

According to facts I just made up, 10,000 children die A SECOND just from eating the offerings of Hersey's, Reese's um…Troll's…and uh…those big orange "circus peanuts" that grandma always used to buy me. They're dropping like my jaw whenever I watch “Designing Women“ on Lifetime.

Here’s a recreation of something that probably happened the other day. In my mind, the part of the mom is played by that chick that got all bent out of shape because I swiped her kid’s "Skittles".

Kid: "Ooh, I want candy!"

That Chick: "Here you go, sweetie."

Boom! The kid's dead! Good going, mom!

It's some kind of chemical imbalance in kids or something that causes this. Since I took 1 year of Science in High School (C-!) I think that I can be considered pretty smart on the subject. The sugar mixes with their…um…organisms and strikes them dead right there. You probably haven't heard about it yet because the candy companies are a bunch of jerks and they like killing kids. In fact, I hope that they read this and think about just what they are doing. You should be ashamed of yourselves with your sweet, sweet offerings. To make up for it, please send me candy for free. Yep, only that will stop the truth. Actually, please send me all candy except for those wax bottles with the liquid inside of them. Those things suck ass.

I've started on my one man crusade of TAKING candy from babies and children as a service to not only the community, but the world. Try it yourself- it's freakin' easy. Their grips are like super weak and they fall for tricks like, "look behind you" and "give me your "Astro Pop" or I'll cut you". It's cake, really.

Sure they cry and you get the disapproving looks of…well…everybody…at the day care center…but really, you're doing them a favor. You are taking them off the list of causalities that by God grows bigger every day because parents just won’t listen to me. C’mon parents, stop being a pawn of the great Nestle corporation and save your kids lives. We can even eat the candy together while we watch a really cool movie or something, "Because of Winn-Dixie" has gotta be playing somewhere…

Oh crap, I almost forgot. Do you know the resale value of candy? Big time, baby, big time. I sold some Sweet Tarts to the kid that lives next door for like ten cents the other day. It was okay if he ate it. You see, if kids actually PAY for their own candy (especially when payment goes to me and my “buy Ray that new totally rad walkman at Walgreens” fund). Not only are you saving the lives of some, nay, MILLIONS of kids, you are in turn putting some coin in your pocket (or in my case, giant novelty pineapple bank).

They’ll build statues of us. We are heroes. Band together people, there’s a common enemy and only we can eat…I mean BEAT it.

Copyright © 2005 Ray Tice
Please do not remove the copyright from this work.

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