I'm getting older. It's now officially been 6 years since I graduated from College, (yet still have 10 more years before I have it paid off) and things are changing. My voice is getting deeper, I'm getting hair on places of my body that I never had before and I'm starting to notice the opposite sex… wait, that was puberty and that happened 3 years ago, my bad.

The biggest thing I have noticed after all of these years is that my friends are getting older too. The thing is, they're doing this grown up thing a lot better than me. They're moving into houses while I stay content at my apartment, they're getting married while I stay content at not having to visit in-laws and they're having babies.

Babies.

The people who I used to run around with are now responsible for another human life. Yeah, this isn't anything unusual, people have children all of the time. It's just the people that I KNOW are now having children and it's just all so surreal.

Hey Frank, remember when we almost accidentally set your back yard on fire? Good luck keeping your two young ‘uns away from matches. I hear that the apple never falls too far away from the tree…

Hey Dave, remember how we always made a special trip to the "adult novelties" store when we road-tripped? Yeah, they don't look too favorably at someone bringing in their 3 month old into one of those places. I don't think we could fit the stroller through the "erotic literature" aisles through their anyway…

Jon, remember how we stole candy from babies? Wait…replace the word "babies" with the word, "Walgreen's Pharmacy" and then remember that you can't take your son into that one Walgreen's because we were, "banned forever". Power-hungry jerks…

Matt, remember getting wasted and throwing darts at people in the bar? Nope, can't encourage that type of behavior in your little boy…unless we're with him at the bar because then maybe we won't get thrown out again. I mean really, are they going to throw such a cute little baby out of the bar? Oh wait; we'll probably get arrested for having a baby in a bar. Okay, new plans for Saturday night…

Elizabeth — I have a confession to make…Gregg and I had about 300 different euphemisms for the word "breasts". Think of this whenever Gregg objects to your future teenage daughter's tank top showing "too much skin". He's really just afraid that the guys are going to be checking out her, "Over-flowin' Ya-Yas".

Now when I see these people, I also see their children. Don't get me wrong, I like kids. They're cute, they're funny and their food tastes good. It's just that right now, I hold one of their kids and get a glimpse at myself in a mirror and think, "Wow, I could be a dad right now. I could be here holding my kid looking into this mirror and it wouldn't be anything unusual. I mean, I could be all like, well off to the zoo…with my kid in my arms…this kid right here…in my arms…at the zoo…"

Right about then my friends get freaked out that I've been holding their kid for too long while looking into a mirror and they take it back. I look into the mirror again without the child in my arms and snap back to reality. Then I start flexing to see how the guns are doing and it's around this time that my friends get up and leave because I'm REALLY starting to freak them out.

But I like these kids a lot and couldn't be any happier for my friends. They have beautiful, smart, wonderful children and I am so excited to see them grow up. I'll even help my buds chase off boys who come to pick up their daughters — little known fact: Cleaning a gun when a boyfriend shows up isn't nearly as scary as castrating a dog with a pair of scissors on the front porch. THAT will make the guys think twice.

While the thought of being a parent used to petrify me, I am seeing now through my friend's kids that I may just want to be a parent some day. I think it would be cool if my kids could be friends with my friend's kids. You know, it can be something like that whole, "circle of life" thing.

But while I remain kid-less, I would like to pass along some tips for those of you who do have kids to remember when dealing with your friend's who do not have children:

• We are not stupid. Try to refrain from giving out advice like, "don't drop him" when you are handing your kid over to us. We aren't going to drop your kid. We're also not going to give him a sip of our beer, we're not going to put him in the microwave and we're definitely not going to leave him in the fridge for more than 15 minutes.
• Do not ask us when we are going to have kids of our own. Look, I don't know when I'm going to have a kid, alright? Sure, some day my illegitimates will find me, but until then, I don't have a time frame set.
• No, I do not want to change the baby's diaper. I will have plenty of time to do that later on in life with either my kids or with my parents.
• Until your child is able to carry on a conversation, I do not want to speak with them on the phone. If I really wanted to talk to your kid on the phone, I would call and say, "hey, can you hold the phone away from your face and say, "say hello to Ray" over and over again? It's about the same.
• For the fifth time, just because you left your kid alone with me and you come back and he's crying, I DID NOT DROP HIM. Don't give me that look.
• Okay, I DID drop him. He was wiggling a lot though, alright?
• Pictures of your kids as a holiday gift are good. Taping a Target gift card to the back is better.

Some things to remember. Trust me, we'll appreciate it. But congratulations to all new, existing and soon to be parents. Children are a great thing. Not only do young children bring joy to our lives, older ones can learn to do all of the yard work so that we can stay inside and watch TV. I know I can't wait.

Copyright © 2006 Ray Tice
Please do not remove the copyright from this work.

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