My Dearest Friends and Family,

Like prostitutes on parole, Christmas time is here again. It’s hard to believe that the year is already almost over. It seems like just yesterday I was deciding to spend all of my 2006 drunk. Seriously, where did January 3rd through last Thursday go? LOL!

I would like to thank all of you who have sent me letters and e-mails this Christmas season updating me on your individual lives…seems you could have sent me at least a freaking JC Penny Gift Card, but I am happy just the same.

It seems that the fortunes of our friends and families have faced both highs (our good friend Billy finally having his braces removed after 17 years) and lows (our dear friend Dave learning he needs to wear his braces for 17 MORE years). My prayers and thoughts go out to each and every one of you.

My life has been very blessed this year and I have all of you to thank. While many bus stations would not hire me or give me a place to stay because of my little lice problem, all of you were kind enough to let me stay in your homes while I searched for a place to call my own. Of course, I learned my lesson from the bus station and did not inform most (all) of you about the little critters living on my head and therefore I am sorry. Just a friendly reminder, you will need to shave everyone in the family’s (incl. your dogs) hair completely off to fully rid yourself of this particular strain of lice. Send your Grandmother my apologies.

September finally found me becoming a new renter at the Peek and Sleep motel on highway 40. I am happy to say that I have gotten a lot of the human waste smell out of my bed and have turned my one room abode into my own :) . Unfortunately I have to share my bathroom with my next-door neighbor, Don, because he uses his for producing some kind of candy. It must be really good candy because it seems that he’s ALWAYS getting customers, even at all hours of the night! Word’s getting around about how good his candy is because even police officers come to get him at times. I like when this happens because I get my bathroom back to myself and I don’t have to worry about Don using all of my White Rain hair spray.

The Peek and Sleep is a great home for me and I hope that many of you will overlook your, “I don’t want my kids to see a place like that” attitude and come visit me soon. Tuesday’s are generally the best day to visit, as those are the days that clean towels are delivered to my room.

My job as a self-employed undercover agent is going very well. I can’t say anything else about that. I would, however, like to request once again that all of you send me your social security numbers for my work purposes. We would all be much happier if you just did this now and I didn’t have to ask you AGAIN.

As many of you know Veronica and I broke up earlier this year after she discovered that I thought we were in a relationship. Six months and thirteen restraining orders later I have found the newest love of my life. I can’t tell you her name yet because she shreds everything before throwing it away, but I will send out updates and doctored photos to all of you later in 2007.

I feel very fortunate to have had such a wonderful 2006 and am very excited about what is in store for me over 2007. I hope this Holiday Letter finds each and every one of you healthy and happy. Have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Your Friend,
Ray

Copyright © 2006 Ray Tice
Please do not remove the copyright from this work.

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