Mark it down, historians. Today, April 3, 2006 is an awesome day to be a sports fan. We have the NCAA championship tonight and my second favorite sport, baseball has officially started its new season.

I love sports, I really do. Every year around this time I get all excited because suddenly, all sports that I like to watch are going to line up with each other. I can watch college basketball until the baseball season starts then I can watch baseball until the collegiate and pro football teams start to play.

Problem is, I can only watch these sports. That’s right, can’t play them. I am a horrible athlete.

BASKETBALL: I suck. I mean, I suck badly. I have to look down at the ball while dribbling (I’m easy pickins for anyone who wants to take the ball away and give themselves a score). I constantly get ‘schooled’ by people of all levels. Hell, I get out of breath just playing NBA Live 2000 on my N64 (kickin’ it old school). However, I do rule at one aspect of the game: trash talk. Yep, I’m as surprised as anyone on the floor when one of my admirable attempts at shooting actually produces a shot-but you wouldn’t know it, because I’m good at acting like I meant to. I’m worse than a poor sport on the floor, I’m a poor poser.

BASEBALL: You know that old guy who hangs out at batting cages and hogs the cage the entire time preventing deserving little leaguers from practice time? You know, the guy stays in there for hours and hours hitting each pitch that’s fired at him and acts like he’s mad at his bat for ‘not hitting it like he knows he can hit it’? It’s the guy that continually talks about how he could have made the cut for the Yankees, but politics within the organization got in the way? He’s saying this and the whole time you’re like, “dude, you’re bragging to a bunch of 10 year olds-how much does your life suck?”

Well, I’m kind of that guy. I say “kind of” because there are big differences between us. You see, I’m hogging the cage for hours because I’m promising myself that I will at least get one hit. I’m not mad at my bat because it’s not hitting what I know it can hit, I’m mad at the bat because it’s making huger blisters on my hands with each missed swing. I’m not bragging about how I almost made it into the majors, I’m teaching the kids around me all new forms of bad language as I continually miss each pitch and then turn around to threaten the little punks that are laughing at me.

FOOTBALL: My brothers and I had the “Tice Football League” in our backyard growing up. This “league” actually only consisted of two teams made up of two players. One team would consist of two Tice boys and the other team would be one Tice boy and one neighborhood kid. I was always on my older brother’s team and I had one roll: get beat up by my other brother and the neighbor kid so that he could run past them and score.

You see, we played full contact football. That’s right, the manly way of playing-no pads, no helmets, all violence. Got the ball? You get creamed. Don’t have the ball? You get creamed. It’s pretty simple, actually.

So I actually got pretty good at the ability of throwing my small body against other people’s legs and tripping them up. While it resulted in bruises and missing teeth, I at least STOPPED them. It was a good feeling.

Problem is, now full contact is not really looked too well upon. Anytime I get to play now, we have to play with flags. That’s right, now that we pay our own health insurance and medical bills, ramming someone in to the ground and then giving yourself leverage while getting up by pushing down on your opponents face is looked at as “not a good idea”. Therefore, I suck again.

I’m not a quick person (see: “schooled, getting” listed in the “basketball” section) and I get faked out and passed up a lot throughout these wussified football games. Whenever I actually do get close enough to rule the person with the ball “down”, I suddenly suffer from strong “accidental contact between my hand and this dude’s junk” aversion and end up failing horribly at grabbing the flag.

So I have come to accept my poor sportsman qualities and have invented sporting games that I can actually play and actually excel at. Please feel free to try any of these sports and start your own leagues. My only request is that you preface each sport name with “Ray Tice memorial” and yell my praises after your rendition of the National Anthem.

“Full Contact Indoor Nerf Basketball”

Object of game: Game of indoor basketball (played with Nerf hoop or any other generic form of hoop purchased at any fine dollar store or truck stop). Competitors beat the crap out of each other in attempts to prevent the other from scoring. Use of foreign objects from around the house is allowed and encouraged.

Game ends when: One competitor nets 10 points or Mom comes down to ask what, “all of that racket” is. Game can also end due to the, “wuss rule” which is really just one player quitting because he gets a bloody nose.

Scoring: Each basket is worth 2 points. Players can also constitute an “automatic winner” score where a player shoots from an impossible distance and scores. The "automatic winner" score also proves that the defeated player’s wife/girlfriend is a whore.

“Fan Ball”

Object of game: Using same ball from “Full Contact Indoor Nerf Basketball” which is thrown into ceiling fan. Competitor earns varying amounts of points depending on where ball lands.

Game ends when: Competitor scores 100 points or something is broken (more than likely, the fan itself).

Scoring: If ball goes through open doorway, 30 points. If ball hits the TV, minus 50 points. If ball hits thrower in the face, you deserved it. All other areas are worth 15 points.

And finally, “Dodge Garbage Can”

Object of Game: Same rules as “Dodge Ball” applies, only a garbage can is used in place of a "ball".

Game ends when: Player (usually unaware that they are playing) is hit with garbage can.

Scoring: If you hit another dude with a garbage can, you win. Extra points if something flies out of garbage can and also hits said dude.

There you have it. Now all levels of sportsman can participate in a competitive event and actually have a chance at succeeding. I myself am a charter member in all listed events halls of fame. That’s right, I’m awesome.

Until these sports catch on, I will go back to doing what I am good at-being a spectator. I am, however, questioning my skills at doing this since my NCAA bracket completely bit it this year…Stupid George Mason…and stupid Florida…and stupid UCLA…and stupid LSU…and stupid any team that wasn’t Ohio State. From now on, I’m going to wait until AFTER the tournament to fill out my brackets. Maybe then I can actually have more than three teams making it out of the first round.

Copyright © 2006 Ray Tice
Please do not remove the copyright from this work.

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