So I had just finished putting the finishing touches on my angry letter to Highlights magazine the other day when Andy called. Our conversation went from the usual topics (i.e. "Where's my money, was that you who called my girlfriend and hung up, no I don't think that sounds normal and maybe you should have it checked out, etc.) and turned to lighter fare, namely the Halloween season.

Halloween is the time of year that I look forward to the most. The other holidays are alright, I guess, but the day of the dead holds a special place in my heart. You can knock on someone's door while wearing a mask and don't have to worry about them calling the feds, girls wear costumes that include "slutty" in the title, and throwing eggs at something stupid like a library is considered a "harmless prank". Mmm, that's good holiday.

So you can imagine my utter shock when Andy said that Halloween was, "just okay". I immediately hung up on him. It felt good.

So this week's column will be put on hold (it was going to be a good one too as I was going to rant on brilo pads) as I challenge Mr. Murphy to a debate on Halloween. My point is that it rules and Andy's counter-point is the fact that he's a freakin’ idiot.

POINT: You get to dress up in a costume and then pat yourself on the back for being smarter than other people when you continually have to explain what you are (i.e. no one could tell that I was a dude wearing a shirt…I mean, I never wear a shirt in public so that's a costume, right?)

COUNTER-POINT: Ray, I want to thank you for inviting me to participate in this debate. We live in a democracy and the good people of America deserve to know they have a choice, a choice between politics as usual and a chance to start over on a fresh page. I'm dressed up as Mark Foley for Halloween and I approved this message.

POINT: You get to eat miniaturized candy bars which make you feel like maybe you've become a giant overnight.

COUNTER-POINT: When you eat enough miniaturized candy bars you WILL become a giant overnight, Mr. Fatty Pants. There's a reason John Candy's last name wasn't Asparagus.

POINT: The annual Halloween episode of "Home Improvement" makes me wish that I did cocaine and became a famous comedian too.

COUNTER-POINT: What about the "Perfect Strangers" episode where Cousin Larry dreams Balki is one of the Pod People? No, the only scary thing about it was that Mark Lynn Baker had a sitcom.

POINT: "Boo-Berry" cereal finally back on market…and on sale to boot!

COUNTER-POINT: Actually, I kind of agree with you on this one.

POINT: Watching such "classic" movies on AMC like Childs Play 3 provides scary good holiday chills!

COUNTER-POINT: Watching Ray hide under the bed sheets while he watches AMC reminds me I should spy on other people, people with boobs.

POINT: Don't have to sweep cobwebs off of your bathtub because it provides a festive atmosphere.

COUNTER-POINT: Speaking of cobwebs, how old must Elvira be anyway?

POINT: The numerous awesome costume idea rip offs like "blade fingers man" instead of "Freddy Kruger" and "Angry bus driver guy who happens to be wearing a pirate costume" instead of "Captain Jack Sparrow".

COUNTER-POINT: All those "Scream" masks at the drug store remind me of the time Ray found a mouse in his car.

POINT: Screw you, Andy Murphy.

COUNTER-POINT: Eat candy corn and die, Rain Man.

In conclusion, debate is a good thing and is better for all parties involved instead of reverting to duels. Oh that, and Halloween rules.

Copyright © 2006 Ray Tice
Please do not remove the copyright from this work.

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