Call the doctors, call the hospitals and start planning benefit concerts. I’m sick.

Not sick, sick. More like “flu” sick. The kind of sick where everyone just has to shake their heads, give a standardized well wish and then make suggestions to you about what kind of foods to eat and how much to sleep. It’s a minor illness in many people’s eyes, but dammit when it happens to me it seems like the most serious thing in the world.

I sit here in my apartment wrapped in my blanket while wearing layers of sweats and think this is it. THIS is the time that I die. It seems that the older you get, the more you are sure that your latest illness is going to be your last. Call it being a hypochondriac, call it over-reacting, any time I get sick now I am sure that it is some kind of rare disease that has finally caught up to me and is going to do me in.

I start making my lists-what have I not done in my life that I still need to do before I die? Who do I need to tell that I love? Where can I do my will online? There’s so much to do before this run of the mill flu does me in.

Of course, this is just one stage of illness for me and I quickly pass it so that I can go in to my next stage: being pissed off. Why the hell do I become sick now? I don’t remember making out with anyone that was sick…hell, I don’t remember kissing anyone for the last 3 years anyway. I’m way too busy to be sick right now! Can’t my body see that we have too much to do that we can’t be living life on the couch for the next few days passing the hours by catching up on our stories? Ooh, while I’m on that subject, can you believe that Denise actually went back to Lonny even though she’s going to be having Richard’s baby? What a slut!

Suddenly everything on my body hurts, I’m blowing my nose every 5 minutes, I’m coughing anytime I try to laugh or say more than 6 words in a row, I’m not feeling good and I’m good n’ mad. Therefore, I apologize to everyone that I have yelled at in the past few days. You see, it’s being sick that makes me cranky and therefore I lash out at everyone around me-especially those I love. Oh, except for you Aunt Mary. I meant what I said about your chicken noodle soup. You needed to hear it, okay?

After all of this I move in to my final stage, worry. I start to think about everything that I’m missing not only at work, but in the outside world. I’ve literally been glued to my couch for the last 3 days watching TV and this time not in a good way. I actually missed a day of work today and realize that it’s not as fun to miss work as it was to miss a day at school. Remember how your friend would bring homework by your home if you missed the day? Now you just have work piled up all over your desk when you get back to the office because for some reasons clients don’t want to come over to your apartment. Sissies.

What all have I missed? Do people even remember my name? What if my work finds out that they didn’t really miss me thus doesn’t really need me thus can my ass and replace me with an Etch-A-Sketch Animator? I know it’s been vying for my job, but I’ve been able to keep it at bay while I was healthy. What do I do now?

Luckily I am starting to feel a little better (striking stage number 1 out of my mind) and I should be able to return to work good as new tomorrow (g’bye, numbers 2 and 3). Thank you for your well wishes and a special thank you to my Aunt Mary for her chicken noodle soup (we made up). All is good again.

Oh, I forgot to mention the fourth stage. Due to a huge amount of generic flu medicines taken over the past few days I have forgotten a lot that has happened. It’s like I’ve been a flu zombie. In fact, I forgot what I just typed for this newest entry of “Stolensoap”. Hope it was funny, I’d hate for the Etch-A-Sketch to take two of my jobs…

Copyright © 2006 Ray Tice
Please do not remove the copyright from this work.

Send by Email! | Contact Us! | Permanent Link