Ladies and Gentlemen, Mr. Ray Tice.

(Applause)

Ray walks up to the podium, takes a drink of water and adjusts the microphone. He scans the audience and pictures them all in their underwear.

I, Ray Tice, would like to apologize to everyone that was on 65 South with me last night. While I didn’t cause any harm, my driving skills sucked last night. To the guy in the Neon that I passed and cut off…I’m sorry that you drive a Neon. To the hitchhiker that I told to get a haircut…I’m sorry that your hair sucks. To the old lady I presented the dirty bird to…I’m sorry that you were going too slowly for my liking.

Yes, ladies and germs, I was a douche bag driver last night.

Not only was I a douche bag, I was a leaky douche bag. I was the kind of douche bag that after it is filled, it starts to leak, hence the leaky part. I was the douche bag that you hurry up and carry across the room to throw away because it’s flowing all over the place. I was the douche bag that you hold up in the air higher and higher as you briskly walk hoping that your hand can catch all of its leaky goodness before it hits your new carpet. I was the worst of all douche bags and I sincerely apologize.

You see, I try to be a good person. I give my extra change to the Ronald McDonald house after buying my apple pies at the Golden Arches, I wait to laugh until later after witnessing a friend fall and break his ankle…I do try to be all sorts of model citizen, it’s just sometimes I’m the type of model that you find in a Wal-Mart circular. They mean well, but they just don’t do the job.

So for these moments of ineptitude, I apologize.

I will now take questions from the audience.

Yes, Grandma?

Grandma: What about the time that you told your Uncle that you made sweet love to his wife and made him cry?

Ray: I’m sorry that I ruined Thanksgiving dinner. You do have to admit that it was funny though.

Grandma: He ruined the pumpkin pie when he threw it at you…

Ray: And for that, I’m truly sorry. Next? Yes, my sister.

Leann: What about that time that you convinced me that there really was such a self defense move called the, “Bear Claw”? I asked about it in my women’s self defense class in college and everybody laughed at me and I got an, “F”?

Ray: Revenge for the time you convinced me I had a secret admirer and stood me up at the smorgasbord. No apology given. Next? My friend Dave?

Dave: Do you have any explanation for that time that you convinced me to go do charity work at the soup kitchen and all you did was pants me in the middle of the town parade?

Ray: Again, no apology offered. It was toward the end of the parade when everybody has left anyway and only a few people saw you.

Dave: The girl that I liked saw me.

Ray: Better for her to find out then instead of later. Next? The guy that was standing behind me at Target?

Guy that was standing behind me at Target: Was that smell caused by you?

Ray: Yeah, it was me.

Guy that was standing behind me at Target: Dude, what did you eat?

Ray: Next?

Next door neighbor: Yes, um…

Ray: (interrupting) Look, you got your precious, “restraining order”, what more do you want? Next?

Alan Alda: Quit making fun of Betsy’s Wedding.

Ray: Not a question. Next?

The entire Pee Wee football team that Ray threw bottles at because they made him lose $10: Apologize for hurting our feelings.

Ray: Apologize for playing like a bunch of idiots. “The main point of youth sports is to have fun” my ass. Next?

(Ray notices that the entire readership of Stolensoap comes up to the microphone)

Ray: (looks at his Huckleberry Hound watch) Ah, looks like we’re out of time! Listen, I want to thank you all for giving me a chance to get these apologies out in the open. I know I feel much better and hope you do too. Please join me for my next presentation, “Ray explains why watching the game on TV was more important than going to your birthday party” next Tuesday night. Until then, goodnight.

(Slight spatter of applause)

Copyright © 2006 Ray Tice
Please do not remove the copyright from this work.

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