I am currently single. While being dateless has its advantages (I get a whole pizza to myself!), it also has its drawbacks. Did you know that if you go to a chick flick by yourself, you get weird looks? Of course I was topless and continually tried to sit on other people’s laps, but yeah-you get weird looks when you go see “Failure to Launch” by yourself.

I find that it’s great though that everyone wants you to be with someone. Everyone has someone that they want to fix you up with. If you don’t have friends who want to make your life complete, you can turn to the internet. How many websites are there now that you can find your future mate with? There are the well-known ones like Yahoo, Match and E-Harmony and then there are little known ones like:
www.notreallyadude.com

and www.abouttogetoutofjailandipromisenottokillyou.com.

Thing is, all of these dating websites are exactly the same:

Name: Alexis
Age: will tell you later
Job: will tell you later
Body type: average
Smoke/Drink: will tell you later
Want Kids: will tell you later
Religion: will tell you later

Description: I AM A NORMAL GIRL WHO LIKES TO DO THINGS THAT ARE FUN. I AM DIVORCD AND HAVE AN EX-HUSBAND WHO SAYS HE WILL KILL ANYONE THAT HE SEES ME WITH, BUT DON’T WORRY, HE ISN'T SERIOUS MOST OF THE TIME :). I WOULD LIKE TO MEET A GUY WHO DOESN’T STOCK. I TIRED OF GAMES AND WANT TO JUST MEET SOMEONE NORMAL! OH. I LIKE FOOTBALL TO.

Yep, misspellings and everything. The honesty is good though, I suppose.

There’s singles groups, singles books, singles nights at Wal-Mart in Germany (Hey Ray, want to go pick up a Wal-Mart chick? No.) There’s singles everything. Thing is, there might be a reason why us who are single ARE single. We might not know anything about picking up the opposite sex. Ever think about that? Luckily, I’ve got your back.

So for you, my 6 fans, I present…

Ray’s Guide to Picking up the Chicks

PRESENTATION: Chicks dig a guy who cares about his appearance. They also dig guys that are smart. Therefore, I constantly wear a shirt that I got back in fourth grade when I finally got an "A". Sure, I’ve outgrown the, "child’s size medium" top, but my proven intelligence drives the girls wild. The shirt sleeves may be so tight that it cuts off circulation to my arms, but that gives my arms the nice tan look that ladies love. Of course, tans don’t normally come in shades of purple, but who really knows that?

MONEY: Women want to know that a guy is financially stable and can afford to buy them the nice things in life like candy necklaces and oversized novelty cigars. This is the reason I normally tape nickels and pennies to my shoes. If a girl looks down at my feet and thinks, “Wow, look at this guy. He’s so rich that money just falls out of his pockets and he doesn’t even give a crap,” then I’ve reached my goal.

Oh, don’t forget that girls also like a guy who knows how to spend their money wisely. You’ll be amazed the impressed looks I get from the babes around me when they see the White Castle coupon pinned to my back. I can hear them now, “Wow, look at that guy. He must really know how to save his money if he has so many coupons in his awesome house that all he has to do is lay down and they stick to his shirt!” Yeah, it drives them wild.

KIDS: Show the girls that you’re good with kids. Hang out at the local high school and buy the kids cigarettes and beer. The female police officer will know that you must really care about children when they are slapping the cuffs on.

Sometimes you may be ordered to stay at least 100 feet away from these schools after slight misunderstandings. Don’t fret, just put the cigarettes and beer in a plastic bag and throw it over the fence. Watch out though, some kids don’t really have their eye-hand coordination down yet and may get clocked with your gifts.

This may result in a lawsuit from said kid’s parents, but the judge and/or jury members may just be hotties and will swoon at the fact that you care so much about kids.

ATTITUDE: Girls like a man who is confident. I constantly walk around the mall saying, “Kick Ass!” to those passing by. Who wouldn’t want a guy who is so obviously tough that he has to talk about how he does indeed, “kick ass”? Apparently A LOT of girls are not in to this, but that’s just because I haven’t met the right one yet.

LAST BUT NOT LEAST, BE YOURSELF: The women will love you if you show your true personality to them. Girls don’t want someone who’s trying to be something they are not and will appreciate you for who you are. However, if you suck, hide it. Try being like that cool guy on “Falcon Crest”; you’ll be happy that you did.

I hope this helps. If any of the above methods help you find that person of your dreams, please show your gratitude to me through payment of $5. I have a sneaking suspicion that babes will be more impressed if I have a fiver taped to my shoes instead of 20 cents worth of pennies.

Copyright © 2006 Ray Tice
Please do not remove the copyright from this work.

Send by Email! | Contact Us! | Permanent Link