Ah man, FINALLY.

I’m sure you’ve been missing me the past couple of months and really, I’ve been missing you too. Do you know that it has been 5,984,321 hours (an estimate) since I last wrote to you?

It goes like this. My computer went kaput a couple of months ago and I haven’t been able to do anything at all. That’s right, no e-mails (sorry, nana), no online gambling, hell-no online studying of the female anatomy. It’s been horrible.

So I just now got a new machine here in my apartment. It even sits on the same nice little dust ring that my old one left on the floor. Yep, got my feet propped up on it now. It’s a little difficult to balance both feet on there (especially since I am delicately trying to avoid the cup of chocolate milk that I have on the other side of it) but I somehow manage.

I have felt completely pathetic the last couple of months, too. I had no idea how much I use my computer-no idea. Sure I use it for the reasons mentioned above (and also put it to good use when I write my award winning stolensoap columns…and by ‘award’ I mean the ‘award’ that I gave to myself in the first annual ‘Ray is awesome’ awards) but I use it for so much more:

-friendship

-cuddling partner

-place to stack stuff on

-object to practice my sweet kung-fu moves

So having a computer has been missed. I was sick without it. Well, not really, but you know what I mean. I even almost went to the public library to use their computer labs. I didn’t, mind you, I just almost did. I mean those things are disgusting. The people that sit around you smell like garage sale and the keys are always greasy for some reason.

I scare myself with how dependent I become on new technology. Think about it, didn’t we do just fine without this stuff for so many years of our life? The only computer I had when I was growing up was a Commodore 64 that plugged into my family’s TV. The only thing you could do with that was play crappy games from a disc that stood no chance against microwaves, make solid color lines and print the word “fart” over and over again.

Now I have this machine that seems to do everything for me. All information is suddenly at my fingertips:

-What should I wear tomorrow? Check the weather.

-Can I afford the pizza that I just ordered? Check my bank account…and find out I can’t.

-Did I spell that word wong? Yes.

-That was a nice show. Has that actress ever been naked in anything? Yes, she has.

You get the point. I use this machine for so much and I’ve only had it for a little while. Same thing with my DVR on my cable. I record and pause almost everything on TV now. What did I do before this came along? I missed shows but still somehow lived.

All of this rambling comes down to one thing: I’m glad that there’s someone out there exactly like me, but smarter. I never knew that I needed so much of this stuff until it was made available to me. Then all of the sudden it’s here and I wonder how I lived without it. Other examples include cell phones, DVD’s, CD’s and Playstation 2 (not 1, I did fine without that).

So thank you, Ray who’s smarter than me. I think I love you. Will you be my best friend? Too late, you already are…you already are.

So yeah, I’m back. I’ve missed all 6 of you that read stolensoap. My welcome back party will be held this weekend. I’ll bring the “Hi-C” and you bring the everything else…including the place to have it…and did I mention that the “Hi-C” is only for me?