Andy and I have been friends since our collegiate times at Indiana University. We met while both trying to spray paint our gang’s tags on the side of the biology building and became quick friends after realizing that neither one knew how to throw a punch (or the correct way to do our respective gang signs).

Since Andy moved to Boston, we’ve often tried to find a time or an event that enabled both of us to get together and relive some of our college glory days. Unfortunately because of one reason or another (i.e. Andy’s bout with cold sores) we had yet had the chance to do so… That is until last weekend.

Thanks to Jerry Lewis and the good people at the MDA, Andy and I finally had a reason to get together. As you know, (and if you don’t know, you’re a bad bad person), this past Labor Day weekend featured the 40th annual MDA telethon hosted by the great Mr. Lewis. While I have watched a minute or two here and there over the past years, I have never really watched ALL of it.

I decided that this year would be different and that I would actually watch all 21 ½ hours of the event just to say that I did it. While I had my 13 pots of coffee and 63 boxes of Cheerios ready for my adventure, I realized I was missing one thing: a telethon watching buddy. Enter Andy.

Convincing Andy that we should do this was hard to do at first, so I did a little something to help push him along. Let’s just say that some creative photo shopping makes it easy to accuse someone of a crime and gets them to leave their state for a little bit until things, “cool off”.

One fake mustache and Greyhound bus ride later, our friend Andy arrived at my apartment ready to partake in the first annual “Ray and Andy watch an entire MDA telethon broadcast and try to refrain from changing the channel or playing Sega Genesis” experience. We both even made t-shirts for the event. Mine was a nice new t-shirt with iron on letters and Andy’s was a used t-shirt purchased from “Stuckeys” with the logo crossed out and the event name crudely written with magic marker under it. I was disappointed in him.

As I imagine, many of you are now very upset that you were not invited. Well screw you. You didn’t ask me if I wanted anything when you made a McDonalds run. I hope you learned your lesson. In the meantime, don’t fret. Like I said, this was only the first annual “RAAWAEMTBATTRFCTCOPSG” event so maybe you can come next year…unless you piss me off again. To get you excited for next Labor Day, here’s a rundown of what happened this year:

HOUR ONE: Andy arrives smelling like a cross between Domino’s pizza and Mop n’ Glow cleaning solution. I quickly empty an entire can of Lysol on him to make the next 20 ½ hours bearable. I mistake Andy’s crying for being happy to be here for the marathon but find out it is mainly due to the fact that I sprayed a lot of the Lysol directly into his eyes. The announcer on the TV welcomes us to the 40th annual MDA Labor Day telethon.

HOUR TWO: A juggler on TV attempts to juggle 3 bowling balls at once. I brag to Andy that I can do that with a microwave, desk chair and lampshade. Andy tells me to, “Prove it”, but I beg off using my old kickball injury as an excuse.

HOUR THREE: A group of elementary school kids sing Amazing Grace on the telethon stage. I prepare my special pizza bites appetizer. Andy expresses concern that my “pizza bites” really look like dirt clods. I make him feel bad for questioning my culinary skills and then laugh to myself as it looks like Andy’s going to fall for my practical joke.

HOUR FOUR: Some lady that I’ve never heard of begs for donations on the telethon. Andy asks me why I have a Care Bear on my bed. I laugh it off saying that it’s one of my favorite childhood toys and I just still have it laying around. Andy points out that it still looks pretty new for being something that I’ve had for years. I get upset saying that it was a gift that my dead Grandmother gave to me when I was 4 and that I always took care of it in her honor and otherwise wouldn’t keep such a piece of crap if it wasn’t so important. Andy apologizes. When he goes to the bathroom I quickly give “Funshine Bear” a reassuring hug and call my Grandma to apologize for saying that she is dead. She seems confused.

HOUR FIVE: The guy who played the Principal on Boy Meets World sings some song about caring. He does the “Mashed Potato” dance move and both Andy and I feel embarrassed for him.

HOUR SIX: We decide to invent a drinking game for the telethon. We’re supposed to take a drink of beer every time Jerry Lewis appears on screen. Due to increasing age it seems that Mr. Lewis doesn’t really appear as much anymore. Our Old Styles quickly become warm.

HOUR SEVEN: I have to hide the remote after I catch Andy trying to change the channel to porn. Seeing as though I hide the remote in front of him he quickly “finds” where I put it-underneath my DVD player remote. I quickly become aware that he is fine competition.

HOUR EIGHT: A magician pulls a donation out of his hat. I make a joke about how we’ve been watching the telethon long enough to fill an entire work day. Andy’s response is kicking me in the mouth. I lose one of my PERMANENT teeth.

HOUR NINE: I notice that the telethon seems to feature a lot of singers. Andy falls asleep so I put his bra in the freezer. I become confused as to why Andy was wearing a bra.

HOUR TEN: I bring out an activity to keep us going-a jigsaw puzzle. Lighthouse…It’s a lighthouse.

HOUR ELEVEN: Some company presents a check to Ed McMahon. It’s one of those big novelty checks. Andy and I proceed to have a soul searching discussion about the necessity of having novelty sized items in life.

HOUR TWELVE: Andy and I decide to prank call some ex-girlfriends on our cell phones. We both quickly become dismayed as it appears that they have all blocked our numbers. We’re even more upset when we realize that we just wasted a whole boatload full of our minutes.

HOUR THIRTEEN: The “Debbie Alan Dance Troupe” appears on the telethon. I claim that I have pretty sweet dance moves and Andy says that his are much better. We knock on one of my neighbors doors to ask them to judge our dance off and they threaten us with a sawed off shotgun.

HOUR FOURTEEN: Andy and I start to talk about how WE should make some kind of donation to the telethon. We look in our wallets and agree to, “definitely do it next year”, instead.

HOUR FIFTEEN: Jason Alexander talks about how he was on some big television show. Andy thinks that it might have been Head of the Class. I seem to remember him being on Just the Ten of Us.

HOUR SIXTEEN: Andy and I play a friendly game of dodge ball in the apartment. This results in:
• 1 broken lamp
• My TV suddenly only playing in black and white after taking a direct hit
• 2 visits from the police due to neighbor complaints
We realize that maybe we shouldn’t have used a basketball for our game.

HOUR SEVENTEEN: Scott Bakula tries to convince us that we should give money to the MDA. I tell him to, “Get back in your time machine and save some broad!”
Andy thinks this is funny. I guess when you are going on 17 hours of no sleep ANYTHING seems funny.

HOUR EIGHTEEN: I let out a fart and blame it on the sofa. Andy believes me and tells the sofa to, “check its drawers!” Like I said, lack of sleep really affects you.

HOUR NINETEEN: The telethon really seems to be pulling out the big guns because Tom Arnold saunters onto screen. I can tell that I’m tired because I have actually painted, “MDA” on my chest and continually flash the television screen. Andy has started injecting coffee grounds directly into his face.

HOUR TWENTY: I’m so tired that I trip and hit my neck on the coffee table and don’t even notice. Later when Andy tells me about it he describes it as, “the coolest thing he has ever seen”.

HOUR TWENTY ONE: Ignoring their ban on taking calls from me, the local newspaper arrives to take pictures and do a story on us. The reporter is disgusted at the state of my apartment and our appearance. We tell her that, “this is what happens”, when you stay up for twenty hours straight but she still seems disgusted. I ask her to make out and she says no. My insistence that I at least get a little massage renews my ban of contact with the local newspaper.

HOUR ‘AND A HALF’: Jerry Lewis thanks us for watching the MDA Labor Day Marathon. Andy and I are both so out of it we believe he is talking to us. We promptly start searching for a sacrificial virgin, thinking that Mr. Lewis wants us to kill for him, but instead pass out in my apartment’s hallway.

While it was quite the amount of time to stay awake and watch TV, Andy and I promised to take part in the marathon next year (I have already made a new ‘photo’ of Andy with a goat just in case I need to use it as blackmail).

Please plan on attending. It promises to be a great of a good time (phrase I just made up).

Oh, and Mr. Lewis…please stop sending me telepathic messages. It’s starting to freak me out.

Copyright © 2006 Ray Tice
Please do not remove the copyright from this work.

Send by Email! | Contact Us! | Permanent Link