YES!

Tonight marks a huge time of year in the Tice household. No, it’s not new Sears catalogue day, it’s the first night of NFL action. Well, to be fair it’s actually only just the preseason and I refer to it as “just” because it doesn’t really count for anything, but hell-it’s football!

I am a huge fan of the pigskin, once the season finally rolls around I don’t take calls throughout the entire day on Sunday and calling to say “hi” on a Monday night will result in being told to “get bent”. Yes, I am the guy that the NFL wants to have on its side. I go to all of the web sites that they tell me to go to, I buy the stuff they tell me to buy and I would kill for them if they asked me to. Although they may have to say, “Please” on that last one since I would probably have to spend a few lifetimes in the pokey for the act.

My affections for all things football stops there. I’ve recently been asked if I wanted to join up with an NFL Fantasy League and the asker was met with a quick kick to the nuts. See, I’ve decided lately that if someone asks me to do something that I don’t want to do I’m going to kick them in the crotch so that they stop asking right there and don’t feel like maybe they can convince me to do it after I've already said, "no".

As the office janitor was helped out of the break room by evil-eye shooting co-workers I explained to those that had stayed that I, Ray Tice, do not participate in fantasy leagues. See, I want to ENJOY the NFL for what it is-watching dudes who are paid a sum of money that is so huge that I can’t even pronounce it run around a large surface with dead Babe.

I DON’T want to have to pay attention to what every player is doing whether they are playing in the game that I want to watch or not. I DON’T want to have to count every yard, every kick and every time a player spits hoping that I gain more “points” than the other person that I happen to be “playing” that week. I DON’T want to then have to listen to my opponent the next day as he brags on his “brilliant move” of “trading” his Corner Back for a Lithuanian kicker.

So yeah, I’m not a fantasy football guy. If it’s something you’re in to, more power to you. I wish you the best of luck and that you’re in one that actually pays out some dough instead of some weak-ass trophy made out of a “Pringles” can.

But I can’t quite ignore the popularity of this hobby. While I resist the opportunity to join up, others are hitting the game pretty hard. Many pour over stats and strategy guides hoping to get a leg up on the competition. A lot of people make their fantasy leagues a big part of their every waking hour; they spend a lot of money on these things all in the name of fun.

Therefore, we now hit the part of my StolenSoap entry where I become a total hypocrite of everything that was just said and present my sales pitch.

Gather ‘round, everyone. I want to be the first to offer you entry in to the “Fantasy Ray League”. It only costs $50 (make check payable to me) and will provide you and your friends the excitement of a competition based solely on how I, Ray, live my life!

It’s easy-first, you pick the “Ray” that you want on your “team” and then gain points on certain activities that this “Ray” performs. Compete against others as I do nothing but sit back and collect your money…I mean, perform in a competitive way so that you feel like you, instead of Ray, is the one doing all of the work.

Let’s get started. Choose from any of the Ray’s listed below and get crackin’:

Citizen Ray:

This is the Ray that wakes up in the morning, gets ready for the day and heads in to work. Citizen Ray’s “game” ends when he makes it in to work. You can earn points for the following actions:

• For actually getting out of bed at the correct time-55 points

• For every “snooze button” strike- 21 points

• For every broken alarm clock- 78 points

• For being able to get into the shower without slipping on his puddle of beer from the night before- 13 points

• For picking out an outfit that both matches and doesn’t smell weird- 99.5 points

• For actually having time to eat a breakfast that isn’t a frozen burrito- 100 points

• For having enough gas in his car that he doesn’t have to siphon from the neighbor’s car- 63 points

• For every Stop sign ignored on his way to work- 500 points

Work Ray:

This is Ray during his work day. Work Ray’s “game” ends when he leaves the office for the day. You can earn points for the following actions:

• For every time Ray dodges having to contribute to a co-worker’s “birthday celebration fund”- 343 points

• For every time Ray uses his phone as back scratcher- 16 points

• For every pencil broken during one of Ray’s “test of strength” presentations- 28 points

• For every time Ray swipes the picture of his co-worker’s hot wife off of his desk- 8.7 points

• For every nap Ray takes in the bathroom- 22 points

• For every co-worker comment that Ray, “smells like pee” after one of these naps- 129 points

• For every co-worker left in a tooth-filled bloody pool for, “talking smack”- 100 points

• For every lunch that Ray swipes from the break room fridge- 19 points

• For every one of said lunches that includes a “Little Debby” treat in it- 1,000 points

After Hours Ray:

This is Ray after he leaves the work place and up to the time he retires to his bed for the evening. This Ray’s “game” ends when he wakes up the next morning. You can earn points for the following actions:

• For every time Ray doesn’t forget to pick something up at the Supermarket on the way home- 18 points

• For every avoidance of after work traffic- 1 point

• For every time Ray travels less than five miles before realizing he’s driving someone else’s car and THAT’S why he had to break in and hotwire it- 77 points

• For every time Ray gets something other than bills in the mail- 25 points

• For every time Ray has to tell the neighbor kids to, “shut the hell up”- 84 points

• For every channel other than Cinemax that Ray watches for more than half an hour- .5 points

• For every actual date that Ray goes on- 1,000,000 points

• For every one of these “dates” that Ray doesn’t realize half way through that it’s his sister with a wig and sunglasses on…again- 1,000,000,000 points

• For every time that Ray swears once again that he is not going to do the “Internet Dating” thing again- 1 point

• For every time Ray wonder’s what kind of bug that is crawling across his pillow before he gets into bed- 3 points.

I think that this league will quickly spread and will reach the levels of popularity that the fantasy football leagues enjoy. Don’t you want to go ahead and get in on it now so that you can brag that you were doing it before it was considered the thing to do?

So yeah, you should totally get your buddies together and play the “Ray Fantasy League”. Don’t forget the whole “pay me $50” thing either. That’s the most important part.

But remember, if your friend kicks you in the nuts after you ask them if they want to play, it’s probably in your best interest not to ask them about it again.

Copyright © 2006 Ray Tice
Please do not remove the copyright from this work.

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