(10/16/06)

Gather ‘round, children…you with the crossed eyes, sit in the back. You’re freaking me out…I want to tell you a story.

It’s the year 2005. I, being a newly web-published writer, add a new column to your favorite website, “Stolensoap”, concerning my new job as a producer/director of local advertising. The article details two recent projects that I had done that were somewhat interesting. One details my work with an ex-con and the other showcases my recent run in with a game with a most unfortunate name, “corn holing”.

Due to the article’s dealing with, “corn holing”, Stolensoap became the top site listed on many search engines’ findings when one would type the word, “corn holing” into the search window. Quite the honor, really…I think…

While I was proud of the article (and by the way, there was no exaggeration in the writing, it WAS 100% accurate), I soon became nervous that it would get me in a little bit of hot water. Because of this feeling, I did the unthinkable and pulled the article. Yes kids, this article soon became the legendary, “Lost Stolensoap column”.

While it was on hiatus the article visited family in Des Moines, Iowa and volunteered with The Red Cross. I gave it a call earlier today asking if it would make a reappearance and it said, “Can’t think of a new column, can you?”

Unfortunately it saw through my denials and realized that it had me over a barrel. After much begging and promise of taking it to the Shoney’s all-you-can-eat breakfast bar, it agreed to come out of retirement and publish itself once again tonight.

So I present to you, my favorite reader, “The Lost Stolensoap column”. Enjoy.

*****
(9/19/05)

Have I told you about my new job yet? No? Probably because you don’t call anymore.

I started off my young work life as an assistant producer for an advertising firm in the same town I attended college in. Sensing the need for change, I have recently made the step up to a full time producer/director/writer for television commercials with a cable advertising company in Indiana. It’s a bit of a step up for me because I am now responsible for so many more things in the television advertising process. Suckers.

Here’s how the process works: a salesperson for my company sells advertising time to a local business (sometimes as big as car dealerships, other times smaller places like Joe Bob’s car wash). I visit the client and learn a little about their business, what they want to convey and all of the other fun things that advertising is supposed to accomplish. I then write the commercial and we then go and shoot video to go along with the script. All of this is soon edited together and BAM there’s a freakin’ commercial!

Of course this can’t be a “Ray is so happy and riding off into the sunset with his newly training wheel-less bike” column. I need SOMETHING odd to write about, right? Well, yeah. I DO have something to tell you about when it comes to my new job.

See, we advertise for LOCAL businesses. While many of these places are very nice and are owned by/staffed by great people, there are some that…well…slip through the cracks into the “this is completely whacked” category.

***ALL BUSINESS NAMES HAVE BEEN CHANGED TO KEEP MY ASS FROM GETTING FIRED***

So we just shot a commercial for a restaurant called “A Restaurant” (see above disclaimer…yeah, I couldn’t come up with something better). The script called for a family to be the center of attention. This family couldn’t decide one type of food that they wanted to eat. I don’t know, the parents wanted steak and the kids wanted something stupid. Luckily, this new restaurant in town has a wide variety of offerings so everyone in the family can have a different kind of food and everyone is happy.

Well, the cameraman and I show up at the restaurant on shoot day and the owner has picked a FREAKING BRADY BUNCH-ESQUE FAMILY to play the part. Seriously, there was like 12 people there to play the title part. They had a father, 2 mothers and then 9 kids. I don’t know why they had two mothers, but obviously the father never really had any trouble getting his groove on when he so desired.

So the shoot takes forever. Even without the “actors” having any lines, they somehow screw up every take by either:
• looking directly into the camera
• spilling/breaking something
• sucking

Our usual shoots take about 2 hours-this went 3. Needless to say, I was happy when it was finally over. I went back to my office and opened up my e-mail.

So there’s this e-mail from the owner of the restaurant with a subject line saying URGETN (yes, she misspelled it). I open it up thinking maybe it says something like, “come make out with me now, please”, because she was kinda hot for an older broad. Instead, I get the following message:

“Please refrain from using any footage of ‘the father’ in the commercial because he is currently facing and is holding prior convictions.”

Me: …

Okay, so I have been around this guy all day and he could have freakin’ shived me if I had looked at him weird? This guy was around KIDS all day? He could have led them down the wrong path:

Convict Dude: Hey kids, if someone ever crosses you, kill them.

I was ALONE with this guy many times during the day. He could have sold me for a pack of cigs if he had wanted to!

So we had to cut this spot so that the ‘father’ was not in it at all. This made for a very interesting spot. A family with two mommies and many children like to eat at this new restaurant. Don’t you want to eat there?

So a couple of weeks pass with nothing too terribly interesting happening and then I get a call to write an ad for a bar. I ask the owner about his establishment-you know, what kind of specials do they have, what hours they are open, do they have any type of specialty that distinguishes them from their competitors…and then I ask the dude about what kind of entertainment the bar offers. He responds with the following:

Owner: Well we have live bands every weekend

Me: okay

Owner: Karaoke on Wednesdays, um, DJ’s on Thursday night

Me: nice, nice

Owner: Big screen TV’s, Pool tables…oh, and a couple of the guys like to corn hole.

Me: Um, what?

Owner: Corn hole. Have you ever heard of corn holing?

Now, I HAVE heard of corn holing. I’ve watched “Oz” before. Corn holing isn’t exactly something that I would advertise my establishment as providing.

Owner: Yeah, the guys all like to go outside and corn hole after they’ve had a couple of drinks. Hell, we’re even thinking of having a corn holing tournament.

Now how exactly do you have a corn hole tournament? Round robin? Double elimination? It definitely couldn’t all happen in one night…And how exactly do you seed a tournament like that?

“Oh Jim’s really good at corn holing. Let’s seed him as number one. Lance, on the other hand, is just getting started corn holing. He’s an eight seed for sure.”

Luckily, the owner starts to explain exactly what corn holing meant, because I was about to write a script that went something like this:

(lights fade up)

Man walks into kitchen where another man sits drinking whiskey.

Man #1: Hey, how’s it going?

Man #2: Good

(Man-on-man love ensues)

Man #1 & 2: We’ll see you at that one bar!

See, corn holing is a game where you toss bags filled with kernels and try to get them into a hole in a board. Hence the name, “corn holing”. Yeah, I think they need to rethink the name too.

So we shoot the spot a couple of weeks later. It actually wasn’t that bad of a place, either. Oh, and you’ll never guess who showed up. The convict dude from the other commercial. Said he had heard about what this place offered and wanted to try to show off the skills he had learned in the pen. Seems he had never heard of the game either.

Copyright © 2006 Ray Tice
Please do not remove the copyright from this work.

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