Good Monday to you, my fellow living people.

As I announced in the later parts of 2005, we are currently in “The Year of Ray”. Don’t believe me? Well you have trust issues, my friend.

Look it up yourself.

We are currently at the half-way point of, “The Year of Ray”, and I must admit that I am a little concerned. I have heard nothing on the news about celebrations taking place, nor has any new Mother stopped me on the streets to inform me that they named their baby after me. I am confused by the lack of participation and wonder how others that have claimed years named after them have been able to have so much interest. People all over the place seem to honor Mr.’s “the Horse”, “the Monkey” and “the Rat”. I’m just at a loss.

Now I place part of the blame (only part, mind you) on myself, as I have not been able to hand out the promotional materials that I printed up in honor of this year. See, I have been kind of busy trying to score free cable and have unfortunately not been able to give this year my all.

So as a public service to all of us, I would like to give you tips on how to make your year and life more “Ray-like”.

AT WORK:

Before any conversations with fellow co-workers or business meetings take place, please reflect on “today in Ray history”. Important dates to remember for the remainder of the year are the following:

July 4th-Ray’s first loss of consciousness due to malfunctioning “Jumping Jack” firework.

August 20th-Ray’s Birthday (registered at TJ Maxx and Arby’s). Someone named “Mom” has a Birthday a couple of days after that.

September 16th-Ray makes Freshmen High School Football team…he is a Junior…in College…at the time.

October 31st-Ray sees cleavage for the first time when the neighbor lady bends over a little too far while retrieving the Halloween candy bucket that he knocked out of her hands…he is a Junior in College at the time.

November 13th-Ray saves a life by donating blood for the first time. While upset that he actually had to give something in order to obtain free cookies (misleading advertising at its worst) Ray feels good about himself and still shows off the, “Be nice to me, I gave blood!” sticker to this day.

December 25th-The day Ray stopped talking to you because you did not get the correct gift that he requested for Christmas. When I say, “CVS gift card”, I do not mean, “Walgreen gift card”.
You will find that starting a day off with a Ray Fact will help you enjoy the year of Ray while also enjoying your work.

WITH FAMILY:

Refer to all Uncles’ as “Uncle Ray”. When they correct you, accuse them of being selfish. Remember, EVERYONE should be celebrating this “Year of Ray” and YOU need to be the one to spread the word. For some reason the television stations will not let me air my 30 minute infomercial for free (probably do not want to interrupt reruns of “Gilmore Girls”), so I need to get the word out in other ways.

IN YOUR COMMUNITY:

Rip down those silly “Fourth of July” banners that are up all over your downtown right now. Buy a bed sheet and write, “Come to (insert your name here)’s basement and celebrate “The Year of Ray” tomorrow night. Some fun activities to schedule for your “Year of Ray” event should include:

-Pot luck dinner
-Gift exchange
-Viewing of “Flight of the Navigator”
And the ever-popular “Seven Minutes in Heaven” game. As a gift to you, I am including this event to enable you a very good chance to score with the opposite sex.

You will find that this party will help you make new friends while also giving you the chance to celebrate my year in style.

THROUGH DONATIONS:

I need money. Pay up, suckers…I mean, loyal followers.

So that’s about it, yeah. Let’s hope that the remaining six months of “The Year of Ray” are far better than the first half. I know that I will be trying much harder since it seems like a guy has to everything himself around here. Besides, if we have a kickin’ rest of 2006, maybe I can run for re-election!

Copyright © 2006 Ray Tice
Please do not remove the copyright from this work.

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