Remember when we were kids and we hated the fact that our parents would shop at discount stores? I was always so embarrassed when I would pull a store brand food out of my Fonzy lunchbox, I was afraid that someone would figure out that I was wearing “Wrangler” jeans instead of the cool “Levi’s” and I hoped beyond hope that no one would ever see me going into one of these stores with my folks because that would mean certain mortification when they brought it up at school on Monday (of course this also means that THEY were also at the store that they saw me at, but that’s beside the point).

Thing is, now that I’m spending my own money, these are the only stores that I go to. I am a certified bargain shopper now. All of those fancy big name stores are way out of my league now, I realize that and I’ve come to accept it. Wal-Mart is now about the only store I go to, (unless Target is having some super-sweet sale), and I have no problem with it. I’m being a responsible young man, see. I am trying my best to live within my budget and if that means shopping at the evil empire of super-savings, then by golly, I’ll do it.

The only problem with my new found responsibility is I ABSOLUTELY HATE GOING TO WAL-MART. I’m not much of a caring guy, I give a rip if Wal-Mart is putting other stores out of business and I don’t feel much responsibility that the store doesn’t treat its employees well-I mean, what company DOES treat its employees well, am I right? Am I right?

The reason I hate going to Wal-Mart is that I never seem to have a normal, “get in, get what I want and get the hell out” experience that I have at other stores. Going to Wal-Mart always has to be difficult and includes me seeing/experiencing events that are either annoying or disturbing.

True story, I was in the store earlier this week and saw the greeter at the front door THROW UP into a trash can in the lobby. It was weird. I stood there, mouth agape at what I had just seen. I drove home in silence, trying to comprehend the event.

So today is grocery shopping day in the Tice household and I actually procrastinate going because of my hatred for the experience that I’m about to endure. No matter the little amount of items I need, I always end up spending over an hour in the store because…well, I don’t know why.

So I decided to really pay attention to my trip today. I generally try to zone out as soon as I walk through the doors to maintain my sanity, but today I decided to really, really pay attention.

“Things I was thinking today while at Wal-Mart”

(In the parking lot)

“I think that guy tried to run over me…”

(Walking through the doors)
“Is that the same greeter guy that threw up earlier this week? …Oh, that greeter is a woman…it’s strange when women look like men.”

(In the store)

“What’s that smell?”

“Do I really need a variety pack of potato chips or was I just mezmorized by the $4 price?”

“Why in the hell would you just stop in the middle of an aisle to talk to someone? Maybe I should ram my cart into her back. That’ll learn her.”

“Is that kid not wearing any shoes?”

“Well, I’ll probably need band aids at sometime in my life…”

“Ooh, toy aisle!”

“Is that dude not wearing any shoes?”

“What in the hell is wrong with these people?”

“’Dots’? I didn’t know that you could buy those things outside of movie theaters.”

“I should probably get some ‘Dots’.”

“What were the words to the ‘Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles’ theme song? Was it something like, “Leonardo, Raphael, Michelangelo, hmmm hmmm hmmm…no, wait, that’s the “Alvin and the Chipmunks” tune…right words, wrong tune…”

“The lead singer of ‘The Dixie Chicks” kind of looks like the fat Chippette”

“You know, if I ever made a television show it would probably be about celebrities that look like cartoon characters. I wonder if anyone would watch it. They probably would if it had nudity.”

“What’s she staring at? Oh, me. Maybe I should put this box of “Dots” down and move along.”

“I knew I should have made a shopping list…”

“Well, no one can have enough apples”

“What is this? Family day at the vegetable selection of Wal-Mart? Get out of my way!”

“Crap, he heard me make a frustrated noise. Quick! Act like you’re yawning!”

“Was that kid sitting on the banana display?! Well, I’ll just have to get my bananas from the other side of the display…am I settling?”

“Huh, that lady kind of looks like Carol Burnett. I wonder if anyone would ever watch a show about people who look like celebrities. They probably would if it had nudity in it.”

“What’s with me and thinking about nudity all the time? Why am I especially thinking about it here at Wal-Mart?”

(At the check out lane)

“What, is the check out girl in slow motion? Move it, ugly!”

“Did I get chips?”

“Crap, I knew I would forget something.”

“What’s that kid staring at?”

“Do kids understand the semblance of the middle finger? Well, it looks like his mom did. Hurry, act like you’re just scratching your nose!”

“Huh. I think if I ever make a band, I’ll call it “Get off the Stage”. We’d only do opening acts for other bands and when the crowd started yelling, “Get off the stage!” it would just sound like they were cheering for us.”

“What in the hell am I thinking?”

(At the register)

“Did she just laugh at my cereal selection? I like ‘Fruity Pebbles’, thank you.”

(Back in my car)

“Was I just in there for two hours?!”

(Driving out of parking lot)

“I think I’ll try to hit that guy…”

Copyright © 2006 Ray Tice
Please do not remove the copyright from this work.

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