Hi. I’m the douche that was sharing the road with Ray this morning. I drive like a complete ass. After he was finished beating me with a tire iron in front of the 7-11, Ray invited me to write an instructional column for this week’s Stolensoap concerning the ins and outs of driving. I hope you enjoy it…and I hope you learn from it.

Car Appearance:

1) Your car is an extension of you. Let the world know that you don’t care about being able to see oncoming traffic by putting a black trash bag over your broken window. Your message of, “hey, I don’t care what’s happening to the left of me” will be conveyed in such a “think fast” manner as you pull in front of other people that they’ll just have to look on in awe as the pull strings on your hefty window covering flap in the wind.

2) Bungee cords add a multitude of decoration to any car. Nothing needs to be welded back onto your vehicle’s frame if it’s bungee-fied. Who cares about the safety of other drivers? Those pieces of metal flying off your car onto oncoming traffic keeps other drivers alert, preventing them from zoning out and potentially causing harm to your sweet ride.

3) When it comes to your vehicle’s appearance, remember this…Other driver’s aren’t honking at you because you’re doing something wrong or because something just fell off of your car. They’re letting you know that the sticker of Calvin peeing on the Ford symbol on your back window is completely kick-ass. Tip your hat to them as they pass by.

Pulling Onto the Road:

1) Looking for oncoming traffic is for wimps. Let those around you know that you are claiming your piece of the road by jamming on the accelerator any time that you are ready to go. Motorists will be encouraged by your aggression. They will rest assured knowing that if anything goes wrong on the road; someone that can kick ass will be there to handle the situation.

2) After merging into traffic slow down to at least 10 miles under the speed limit. Also remember to keep your turn signal on from when you were entering the road way. Driving the speed limit or paying attention to simple things like your vehicle’s controls distract from more important things that require your full attention such as your cell phone conversation with the person whose house you just left.

3) Lastly, make sure to be doing something really funny while other people on the road pass you. People enjoy the good laugh they get when they see the person that’s behind the wheel of the car they just passed is fast asleep. I call these things, “car-ranks”. It’s, “car” and “pranks” put together. I like to make up words sometimes because I’m an idiot.

Relations with Other Drivers:

1) Everyone else on the road wants to know your opinion. Plaster the back of your car with bumper stickers of every belief you have. Remember, back windshields are overrated so cover it with bumper stickers too. Make sure to flip off drivers who have bumper stickers that convey opinions and ideas that differ from yours.

2) Tailgate, tailgate, tailgate. I can’t stress the importance of this, people. Flash your lights to get the attention of the person in front of you if they don't move fast enough or pass. People who are surrounded by semi-trucks that prevent them from speeding up or moving into another lane will greatly appreciate this gesture.

3) Lay on your horn as soon as the light turns green. This includes when the left arrow light turns green and you are not in the turn lane. Again, keeping those around you alert will help save lives.

Pedestrians and You:

Rev your engine when people pass in front of your car at a cross walk. Make sure to loudly state your displeasure about how you have to wait for this, “old piece of crap” to pass in front of you. Squeal your tires and take off the second they have passed in front of your vehicle.

Driving in Suburbia:

1) Start applying your brakes the moment you see a stop sign. Your snail crawl to the stop sign that you started 700 feet back looks awesome to the roadside observer. Seriously, they’ll be like, “Holy crap, that car’s in slow motion. Check it out!”

2) Come to a complete stop on train tracks to make sure a train is not approaching. This is generally appreciated by the guy behind you who wasn’t expecting you to slam on your brakes. Remember, they honk because they like your Calvin sticker. Go ahead and give him the finger anyway.

3) EVERYONE likes your music. Turn it up, man.

I hope these helpful tips guide you to becoming a better driver. If anything, just remember to always tailgate, always drive slower when someone’s behind you and NEVER use your turn signals. Only then can you become a douche just like me.

Well, I think I see Ray going out to his car. I need to get on the road before he does so I can make sure his trip completely sucks.

See you on the road!

Copyright © 2007 Ray Tice
Please do not remove the copyright from this work.

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