It’s hard to try to look past some things. Feelings, attitudes, expiration dates…some things you just can’t see past when forming an opinion.

The girlfriend and I have been going to a lot of school productions lately. She’s a teacher and my restraining orders have been lifted at many area schools so going to these plays and musicals seems like the thing to do for the both of us.

Now, I was a theater dweeb in my school years. I tried my hands at sports, but due to the schools strict steroid policy I had to quit many (all) of them thus my interest in the theater.

And man did I enjoy it! I really can’t quite put my finger on what drew me so much into drama (maybe it’s the whole constant need to be the center of attention thing), but I loved doing it. I look back at my years in various productions as great times in my school years.

Something happened to me when I was doing these theater productions. I became probably one of the most delusional people in the world. See, I think it’s a great thing to take pride in what you are doing and I subscribed to this belief full force during my acting days.

I thought we were awesome. We were ready for Broadway, ready for TV, hell-ready for MOVIES! There was NO WAY that anyone could put on the professional productions that we did in my school. Wouldn’t our parents be so proud when the fictional talent scout that I thought up would come watch our production and decide to make us all stars because he was so impressed with our acting chops?

Well, this is what I thought anyway and I had every right to. Everyone deserves to dream and everyone has the right to think that what they are doing is making the world a little bit of a better place.

With all of that being said…here’s the thing that I can’t get past…lean closer…closer…it’s a secret, lean closer…school and community theater productions suck.

I know that’s not going to sit very well with most people and I apologize. I know that it’s something really special for a parent to see their little darling be a part of a production, I understand that and I appreciate that. I think it’s great for kids to be a part of something that doesn’t end in, “caine” and start with, “co”. Good for you and your kids. It’s just…you gotta kind of admit…if your kid wasn’t in the production, you would think that it blew and blew bad, right?

Trust me; I’m going to be the first in line each and every night when my kid is in any activity at school. I’m going to cheer the loudest for them because I’m going to be a proud papa. It’s just at the same time I’m going to be making little snide comments to myself about how much your kid sucks.

Hear me out on this-like I said, I’ve been to a lot of productions lately. I’m sure not much has changed school or community theater production wise since I was involved. Look around at the next show you go to. You’re sure to witness the following:

The over-exuberant trumpet player-
Are there not auditions for the pit band? I’d like to hear the person on stage sing but Dizzy freaking Gillespie there in the pit is busting a nut so he can hit every note at the loudest volume possible.

The programs that look like they were printed on carbon copiers-
What the hell is that? Is that even a word? Is that a picture of someone or a thumb print?

The crying kid and the parent that can’t take a freaking hint-
How many times do I have to throw the wadded up pages from my program at you before you take waterworks there out of the theater, you freaking moron? So what you only paid $3 and a donated canned good to get in here-it doesn’t mean you can act like you’re at Shoney’s.

Actors who only know some of the lines to the song-
What, you can’t just move your lips like you’re singing something? This part actually is kind of entertaining because they don’t play off that they don’t know what they are doing well at all and the person along side of them doesn’t really hide the fact that the person not knowing their parts pisses them off greatly.

Sound systems from the 80’s-
Just get rid of them! They’re not going to work anytime soon! Give the kid a megaphone-it’ll work ten times better! These “microphones” (generally taped to the actors face) couldn’t pick up crap if it was actually ingested by the actor before the show.

Parents/family members/friends who are way to confident in their child’s/relatives/friends talents-
I have to admit, it WAS very funny to see them split their pants during their big dance number…

The fat kid-
Okay, I feel bad for saying this one. I regret that I laughed and loudly pointed you out at your performance. I’m also sorry that I got up on stage and made up my own song called, “check out this fat piece of crap” during your scene.

The kids in the audience who have to be there because they want to earn extra credit-
They’re the ones making farting sounds and shouting out, “Homo!” whenever a dude sings a song on stage. They’re also the reason why the teacher shouldn’t have offered extra credit to go see the production.

Kids on stage who are getting their first ever kiss-
Ah, the stage kiss. How can two people who are acting like they are so in love be so uncomfortable about getting close to a person of the opposite sex? And have you ever seen one where the two obviously hate each other? Classic.

Hold on a second…writing all of this stuff down actually makes me REALIZE why I love going to these productions. These things are so much more entertaining then I gave them credit for! What is it, you go for the experience instead of the event? How true does that ring here?

I take back everything I said-school and community theater productions are awesome. I highly encourage you to go and experience these performances for yourself. I am sorry if I offended anyone with what I said.

Your kid still sucks, though.

Copyright © 2007 Ray Tice
Please do not remove the copyright from this work.

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