Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of 2007…

First off, shut the hell up. It's Ray's turn to talk now.

Okay. So congratulations on your newly acquired status as a high school graduate. Isn't it weird to think that back in the olden days most people didn't graduate high school and only had a life expectancy of like 14 years? Seriously, I was watching this movie the other night…oh, I can't remember the name of it…something about sweeping plains or something…anyway, so this kid graduates high school and his grandfather is really choked up, like crying and everything, because he didn't graduate high school but his grandson did. Maybe he was jealous, I don't know. But yeah, good job on graduating. Now go rub it in your grandparents' face.

Well anyway, I wanted to be the first to wish you well in your future after high school. Many of you will attend a university, others will work. Those of you who are preggers will probably spit out a kid or two. I am excited in the many possibilities that your futures hold.

As you know, commencement speeches generally offer the graduating classes advice on life, well this is no different. While I have only 29 years of life experience under my belt, I have a lot to offer when it comes to the lessons I have learned in life. So again, please shut the hell up so I can offer them to you.

There will be many people in life who tell you that you can't do something. They will try to make you believe that you cannot achieve your dream. Tell these people to bug off. They are only negative influences in your life and will only bring you down.

True story: I was at the county fair last summer and the guy who operated the double Ferris wheel ride said that I couldn't stand up in my cart and rock back and forth while the ride was in motion. Well ladies and gentlemen, I refused to let this man control my life by telling me I couldn't do something that I set out to do. I stood back up and rocked my seat back and forth while screaming, "I can do it! I can do it!" It was a freeing moment in my life. Of course I fell 30 feet to the ground, but the sweet elderly lady waiting in line broke my fall, so I was okay. I stood up, dusted myself off, looked in the operator's eyes and said, "YES, I CAN!" Everyone applauded, and by "applauded", I mean beat me up for falling on their grandma.

Where was I? Oh yeah, don't let people tell you what to do. Okay…next point…um, let me look at my notes here…okay, now I remember:

Don't forget your family. Family has been the most important people in your life. They have shaped you into who you are; so if you're cool, thank your parents. If you're a douche bag, well…say, "No thank you" to your parents.

But yeah, don't forget them. My mom calls me from prison all the time saying, "you forgot to come and bail me out". Well, what she doesn't realize is if I wasn't trying to teach her a lesson to begin with I wouldn't have forgotten anything, but since I think some time in the pokey will do her good I'm forgetting her on purpose.

I'm starting to confuse myself. Okay, forget what I just said.

Moving on…a lot of the people you consider friends are actually jerks. Use this time after graduation to drift apart. Pretty soon you will only see them in passing at the local Shoe Carnival. It's okay to make small talk, but realize that when you both agree to "get together sometime" that neither one of you will mean it.

Case in point; I hung out with this kid that I called "Idiot" throughout high school and we were really good friends. Well it came time when I finally had to graduate and he had to go back to being a tree by the entrance of the building and we went our separate ways. I told him that we would be friends forever and all but I was just blowing smoke up his trunk. I saw him just the other day and I ignored him. It just happens, you know?

Well, to close, happy graduation to all of you. Don't spend your money on stupid crap like plastics and don't forget to wear sunscreen. Your principal and the school security guard want me to get off the stage so I will leave you with this one piece of advice: don't forget that you can see through mesh tank tops. I can't stress enough how important this is.

For those about to graduate…I salute you.

Copyright © 2007 Ray Tice
Please do not remove the copyright from this work.

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