Whelp, finally got moved into the apartment about two weeks ago. Nice looking place, yep. Two bedrooms and two bathrooms. Nice and big. 24 hour fitness center. Pool for the summertime.

…Oh, and a welcoming committee that apparently kicks in your door and steals your crap.

That’s right. Two, count them, two weeks after I fully move in to my apartment someone kicks in my door and steals crap while my roommate and I are at work. Needless to say, I was thrilled.

Gone were some of my good DVD’s. Gone was my roommate’s DVD player I liked to watch said DVD’s on. Gone was my change jar that I had a whopping 20 bucks saved in. Oh, and gone was my favorite trash can that they took to put all of the above mentioned stolen goods in to.

Well I know I did this last week, but dammit, times like this calls for open letters.

Ray’s open letter to who ever stole his crap

Dear ass face,

That’s right; you have a ASS for a FACE. I think that you suck more than anything has ever sucked before.
Hey, good job stealing really expensive crap, by the way. Was my computer not expensive enough for you? What about the TV and DVD player in my room? Didn’t want that, huh? Nope, instead you wanted to take the bargain DVD that I got from Best Buy. The one that had 6 horror movies on two DVD’s. Granted, it had some nudity on it, but still…you’re a freakin’ idiot.
Oh, hey thanks for not taking my IPod too. You know, the one you had to move so you could steal my change jar? Up yours, dildo.
Some of my family and friends have said that they would be nervous that you would come back to take more stuff, maybe even when I was there. Well, I and my pillowcase full of doorknobs would like to extend an invitation for you to come back ANYTIME that you would like. We’ll be more than happy to see you…ass face.

I hope you get the trots,

Ray

Ray’s open letter to his neighbors

Dear Deaf and Blind idiots,

Okay, so cranking the volume up on my Jackyl records is considered, “too loud” for you, but someone KICKING IN MY DOOR doesn’t raise any eyebrows? What about someone carrying a trash can out of my place filled with stuff isn’t suspicious? You know who lives in my apartment; my roommate and I taped pictures of ourselves to your doors as form of an introduction. Granted, the pictures weren’t of our faces, but you should still have known what a resident of an apartment looks like and what a burglar looks like, right?

Anyway thanks for not looking out for us. You all suck. I’m cranking up Jackyl tonight.

Not love,

Ray

Ray’s open letter to the police department

Dear Cops,

Thanks for coming to my place and taking a report. No thank you for not letting me play with your taser gun.

I pay your salary,

Ray

Ray’s open letter to Desmond Tladinyane

Oh, wait…that was last week…

Ray’s open letter to his insurance company

Dear blood suckers,

$500?! My deductible is $500?!

Thanks for giving it to me in the poop hole,

Ray

Ray’s open letter to his former apartments

Dear past apartments that DIDN’T get broken into,

I miss your warm embrace and the way your doors didn’t give way to people kicking them in. I always knew that I could leave my copy of Cinderella 2 safe in your presence. Please teach this apartment that I live in now how it’s not cool to fold like a trapper keeper when someone tries to break into you.

Love always,

Ray

PS-How’s your mom?

Ray’s open letter to his roommate

Dear roomie,

I know that we have already been through the apartment with the officer to determine what all is missing. I’m just saying that sometimes people overlook things that are missing the first time around. With that being said, everything of yours that ends up missing through the rest of our lease will officially have been, “Stolen by that n’er-do-well” and definitely not me. This includes your beer.

Friends and only friends,

Ray

***

So yeah, my first two weeks in the big city have pretty much been a bust. Traffic is horrible, every place I try to go to is more expensive and oh yeah, A BUNCH OF MY CRAP WAS STOLEN.

I’m hoping the rest of my stay here will be better. Until then, I’m thinking of getting a dog to protect my home…a dog that knows how to use nunchucks. I’m going to call him, “Woofy, the ass-kicking dog”. He’ll earn his keep by kicking ass.

Copyright © 2007 Ray Tice
Please do not remove the copyright from this work.

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