Eh! You people!

Every other Monday is the same thing:

“When are you going to post your new stolensoap column?”

“Is this weeks stolensoap column going to be better than your last one? Have I told you how much your last one sucked?”

“Will you please make sure to let me know when you post your new stolensoap column so I can make sure to break my computer?”

“Sir, that is a private dumpster. You can’t sleep in it.”

It’s starting to drain me. I…I’m starting to have nothing left in my brain to write about anymore. You know I almost wrote about what road tastes like today? I even did my investigative research over the weekend just to make sure I had my facts straight. I just couldn’t bring myself to do it though because…well, it’s not really that entertaining…that and I didn’t want anyone else trying to taste road. Gave me a bad case of the trots.

So I’m taking the week off. Yep, it’s vacation time for your pal/mortal enemy Ray. I hope you understand that sometimes even the tireless need to take a little 'me' time and recharge their batteries while perusing their back issues of Harpers Bazaar.

What am I going to do, you ask? Well, to be honest, I haven’t really thought about that yet. Maybe take up a hobby for the next few weeks. Anyone else interested in starting a rock collectors club with me? If so, come over to my house this Wednesday at 6PM. Mom will make some cupcakes so don’t eat dinner before hand or anything. The code word to get in will be, “rocks”. Don’t tell anyone else about it unless they are REALLY interested in rocks. I don’t want people coming over just so they have a place to make out with their girlfriends. That’s just unfair to all rocks.

Actually, do you even have to plan what you are going to do on your days off? Nothing ever seems to turn out like you want it to when you PLAN it out. Remember my 17th birthday party and we were all excited because we had a clown coming to it? Then remember how the clown was really just my drunk next-door neighbor with a Sonny Bono wig on and no girls came to the party? Yeah, that sucked. Maybe I should just let this vacation happen and enjoy the serenity.

Wait, I get bored easy. Maybe I should sign up for some kind of volunteer opportunity. You know, I should really research this time too instead of making up my own volunteer opportunities. I swear, ONE misunderstanding about when I could and could not hang out in the fitting rooms at Goodwill and suddenly I’m, “banned for life”. Bunch of crap is what it is.

Well, I guess all I have to do now is wait for you to leave so I can start my vacation…
…Yep, lots of TV to watch…

…Yep, getting late…

…Yep…

…So, uh…you leaving soon or what?…

You know what sucks? People who don’t get the hint on when they should leave. I don’t know how many more articles of clothing I have to remove before you get uncomfortable and show yourself to the door. I’ve just made it very clear that I have a lot to do and you keep acting like you’re asleep on my futon and can’t leave or anything.

Look, I’m not sharing my vacation with anyone. I know it sounds totally kick ass, but I’m going this one solo, all right?

I…I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you cry. It’s just, I’m very happy that I don’t have to write a column this week and I just wanted to relax for a bit. I sincerely apologize for throwing lit matches at you.

You know, I hope I don’t go through withdrawal since I’m not writing a column this week. When I stopped drinking Ginger Ale (it knows what it did) I got these really bad headaches that would only go away when I would drink Diet Ginger Ale. Man, that was the hardest Fall break I ever went through. The shakes were horrible.

I’m going to have to keep myself occupied so that I don’t try to write anything during my week off. I wonder if the cable company will understand that I couldn’t pay my bill because I was keeping myself from writing…probably shouldn’t chance it. I’d hate for my TV to cut out during my Cagney and Lacey viewing.

Well, it’s been fun talking to you, but I must be off to take my vacation. I’m sorry that I didn’t write a column for you this week, but I just needed to take a break. I just know that if I tried to write a column today it would have sucked. Yep, if I had even made an attempt it would have just come off as me trying to be funny, it would have been rambling and would have made completely no sense.

Why are you giving me that smug look?

Copyright © 2007 Ray Tice
Please do not remove the copyright from this work.

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