Ah, the Academy Awards. The Oscars. The glitz, the glamour and movies I’ve never heard of.

Watching the Academy Awards makes me realize some very important things in my life (oh, and you won’t know what I’m talking about unless you click on the links):

1) By the age of 11, the only thing I was ever nominated for was honorary membership of the Ranger Rick Fan club.

2) Apparently there are more things you can do with your body besides throwing yourself down the flights of stairs at the mall for fun/profit.

3) I don’t recognize my fellow human being nearly enough.

That’s right, I have let many people come, go and stay too long in my life without recognizing them for their outstanding effort. Therefore, I would like to present to you…drum roll, please…The 2006 Ray Tice awards. Henceforth known as, “The Ray-ies”

Nominations for the following awards were based on the following:

1) If you have achieved greatness in my life during the previous year.

2) If I can at least describe what you look like (horrible with names).

3) If you have refrained from being a jack off.

The first award goes to the best thing that a person has done for me during the past year. The nominees for “Best Supporting Friend” are as follows:

• Billy for letting me borrow his finger prints after an unfortunate incident involving a garden weasel, a book of matches, hairspray and my neighbor’s garage.
• Dave for leaving the keys to his car on his coffee table making it obvious that he wanted me to borrow said car for, “drag racing night” at the local school parking lot.
• James for leaving my apartment on his own accord for once.

And the Ray-ie goes to . . . James! That’s right James; you were man enough to leave after only my third order that you vacate the premises. Thank you for not causing another scene with apartment security.

Dave, you took yourself out of the running for this award when you got all bent out of shape that I wrecked your precious car. Maybe when you realize that winning a race is more important than anything else we can give you an award. Oh, and the fact that you couldn’t even appreciate that I was able to find at least one of your hubcaps was just the icing on the cake, you jerk.

Our second award of the evening goes to the coolest thing that I heard this past year. The nominees for “Best Original Sound” are:

• That sound Richie made after drinking the paint that I poured into his RC Cola bottle.
• The sound of money hitting my hand after Grandma lost her bet on who could win a footrace between herself and me.
• The ding of the door at the hardware store down the street. I swear it sounds like “Cars” by Gary Newman if you swing it back and forth say about 100 times.

And the Ray-ie goes to . . . Grandma! Nana, I’m sorry that I took your money, but a bet is a bet and you need to learn that. No where in our handshake agreement did we say that there was to be no tripping and no doping in our race. Toughen up, Grandma.

Oh, and to those jerks at the hardware store…I hope you know that the only reason that you didn’t win this award was because of the, “no jack offs” rule. I was just about to hit the chorus of “Cars” for a second time when you asked me to leave. Blow it out your butts.

Our Third award goes to the female in my life who helped me in having a kick ass 2006. Nominees for “Best Supporting Female” are:

• My girlfriend for supporting my arm wrestling competition aspirations and not mentioning that I lost in the first round to a nine year old girl until a couple of weeks after the fact.
• My cousin for acting like she had no hip bone at this year’s county fair. We got to go the front of the line of every ride because people felt sorry for her.
• The chick at the grocery store that bent down to tie her shoe. Your yelling at me for using your back as an area to step on so that I could retrieve the cereal from the top shelf tells me that you had no intention in helping me, but that’s okay. I got my cereal and you got to ride in an ambulance.

The Ray-ie for Best Supporting Female goes to…The chick at the grocery store. I hope that you are out of the cast now. Oh BTW, the Crispix were very good!

Cousin Beth, you would have gotten the award if you had quit your bitchin’ on the spider ride. Who cares if I want to ride it again? 35 times ISN’T enough! Oh, and the fact that you threw up all over my new shirt didn’t really help your chances either.

Our final award of the night goes to the coolest thing that I saw in 2006. The nominees for “Best Thing” are:

• Seeing that dude punch the coke machine really hard and a whole bunch of cokes came out and I was like, “Whoa!”
• Seeing that special about how peeps are made. I was like, “Whoa!”
• Seeing how mad that dude in the car behind me got when I sat through an entire green light. He was laying on his horn, pounding the wheel and flipping me the dirty bird. I was like, “Whoa!”

And the Ray-ie for Best thing of 2006 goes to…Failure to Launch? What the hell?

Copyright © 2007 Ray Tice
Please do not remove the copyright from this work.

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