“Can I be honest with you about something?” She asked me.

Before I could answer, “who the hell are you?” she continued on.

“I mean, it’s just a piece of constructive criticism. I think it’s your right to know what those people over there think. I mean, I think it too, but I want you to know what they think. It will actually be good for you to hear it. You’ll probably appreciate knowing it. It’s going to be very helpful.”

Now, if a person puts up this much disclaimer before telling you something what they are really saying is, “what I’m going to say is really going to piss you off, but I’m making myself out to be a good guy so that you don’t trip me down those winding stairs over there.”

“Well,” I said, “since you put it that way I guess I should know.”

“To be completely honest with you,” she said, “that shirt you are wearing makes everyone here wish that they couldn’t see anymore.”

I looked at her and she looked at me. I shifted a bit and looked down at my shirt that featured a zigzag pattern that I had considered, ‘neato’ just that morning. I suddenly felt a little uncomfortable as she stood there and stared at me. Finally I said the only thing that came to mind; “who are you again”?

While this didn’t really happen to me…it happened to…uh…someone I once knew…it points out what seems to be a fad that won’t die; it’s fashionable to be “brutally honest” with people.

It seems that you can get away with saying anything to anyone as long as you disguise it as being helpful to them. Of course, some people take this as free reign to say the meanest most demeaning crap that the person they are saying to has to fight back simultaneous tears and vomit just so they can force a smile and say, “gee, thanks for being so helpful to me. I’m going to go drink bleach now”.

When did constructive criticism become so harsh? I remember when it was, “Ray, your Stolensoap column would be a little bit better if you didn’t make it so predictable. Stop ending every sentence with, ‘and then I pooped on their breadsticks.’” See, that’s constructive criticism. Now I listen to people as they say, “Hey, can I give you a suggestion about your writing? Go fall on a knife.” See? How does that help me at all? After the person told me this I pooped on their breadsticks.

It’s all this Dr. Phil guy. He’s made being a dick to people cool and acceptable. Before he came along all daytime TV had to offer was people fighting over baby’s daddy’s. Now we have to watch as people sit and talk about how they screwed up in life and then have this dude who looks like my old science teacher tell them about how they need to get up off their lazy ass. People watch this and think, “Well I can tell people the same thing and they will think that I’m helping them”. You know the “Don’t do the stuff you’re about to see” stuff they put up on the screen before “Circus of the Stars”? Well they need to put that up before his show too. “Don’t dispense advice. People will hate your guts.”

So take my hand and pray with me that this fad of being “brutally honest” ends soon. No, seriously, take my hand. Hmmm. Can I be honest with you? No really, this will benefit you in the future. Your hand feels like a wet turd. You may want to change who you are.

Hey, I’m just trying to be helpful.

Copyright © 2007 Ray Tice
Please do not remove the copyright from this work.

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